Missouri Loves Company

Why I Won't Buy the New and Improved OT

2011-09-18T13:21:00.000-07:00

This is continued from Facebook, believe it or not. Someone posted something to the effect that George Lucas is analogous to Michael Jackson, and editing Star Wars is his plastic surgery. I thought this was clever, but someone else posted a reply that said to let her know when I (or the original person who posted it, not sure) made as much money as George Lucas.

It's not a question of whether I 'make' the money, it's whether I 'spend' my money on yet another set of DVDs for the sake furthering an interest I've held on to for the last 33 years of my life for whatever reason. I have three sets of the OT on VHS (TV format, letterboxed, and "improved") and I have two sets of the OT on DVD already (the "improved" version, and the anniversary version with the original OT), not to mention the 3 prequels. I don't actually know why I hold on to the older versions other than for purely sentimental reasons.

As I look at the sneak peaks online of the extra footage, it makes me realize that the OT was REALLY good for all of its original editing, which begs the question: why is Lucas tinkering with this classic? Update the sound, okay. Restore the color to its original glory, fine. Get rid of some of those clunky green-screen boxes around the spaceships that I didn't notice the first time around, great. We already know that without his little special effects company, modern movies would not be what they are today in terms of technology or entertainment value. I could even go so far as to say if Lucas were to re-release the OT on Blu-ray, I could actually see myself shelling out cash for it (yet again) AND dropping down the dough for the newer versions. This would be the same as remastering old rock albums for sale on CD, and I would buy into that. I've seen me do it.

But he won't.

He says that it's his film, and that the new "corrections" are his updated vision, that he doesn't like looking back to the primitive versions, and we can take it or leave it. Okay. As I consider the versions I already possess, the only answer to this that makes any sense to me is that Lucas simply wants more of my money. I can respect that. I want more money, too.

But I don't have to buy the new trilogy.

By the way, from what I understand, you don't get the bonus footage unless you buy the special 6-disc set. So much for economizing by picking up just the "improved" OT for the behind the scenes stuff.

War Eagle vs. Windex

2011-09-13T18:47:00.000-07:00

Not going to lie; this is so wrong, yet I cackle like a loon every time:

Remembering 1988

2011-09-11T18:52:00.000-07:00

...and then Lars went on MTV's "Headbanger's Ball" and was all "I was totally for Ellington joining us on tour. I don't know where James comes off in that Spin magazine interview," but the damage was done and Sir Duke left the tour after only a couple of dates. Fortunately, they picked up the Cult as their opening act, and I got to see that show in Biloxi in the spring of '89; however, the rift between Metallica and the jazz community--and some say the African-American community at large--was something that would haunt the group well into the 2000s.

At any rate, I got the quarter in my change from the 7-Eleven yesterday, and the memory made me smile.

Dear World of Warcraft,

2011-08-28T09:13:00.000-07:00

Actually, this is to every World of Warcraft player under the age of 30: You are on the verge of making me quit online games altogether.

To see the entire comic, go here. It's hilarious, and painfully true.

So there I was yesterday evening playing WoW, and I joined a pick-up raid on Ulduar. I am in need (and 'need' is a very relative term) of defeating only one boss--the final boss--in order to receive the Ulduar 25-man raid achievement and the accompanying flying mount, some kind of rust dragon or iron drake or something like that. (Clearly, it's very important to me, and I don't know how I can shuffle on through this miserable sham of a life without it.) The problem is that Ulduar is a raid, not an instance, which means that I would have to work with this pick-up group (PUG) for three or four hours perhaps. (It's pretty big.)

I logged onto this group's Ventrillo account so that we could actually talk to one another real-time during the game, and that's where the trouble started. The average age, excluding the two people I knew from my guild who told me about the group, was maybe--maybe--twenty years old. The most vocal of them, however, was not that old. Judging by his voice, I'm not even sure his 'nads had dropped yet. He had, however, learned one phrase in his few years on this planet that was clearly The Most Important Concept He Knew. It was the zenith of his rhetorical arsenal, and it was the apex of his personal demons.

The word was "butt-rape."

Every third word or so out of this kid's insipid, sub-moronic pie-hole was 'butt-rape.' "Oh, man, we totally butt-raped those noobs. We butt-raped their butts with our rape until they were totally butt-raped with pwn-sauce on it. It was awesome. Hu-huh. Butt-rape."

So, I told my guild buddies that I didn't need the achievement that bad after all, and I dropped out of the raid without a word. I just left. Later in the evening, I kept getting guild-messages that indicated:

My fellow guildies that endured the teen menace were getting their raid-achievements, and...
They were getting them at a fairly quick clip, which meant that these foul-mouthed little bastards were actually good.

Should I have stuck around? Ultimately, no because the tax on my soul from having to listen to them all evening may have driven me to self-mutilation. On the other hand, I would have my drake.

Are you listening, Blizzard? Your games are fan-frickin'-tastic, but your customer base is driving me away.

Edit: I discovered this web-comic, and I think it is exceptionally applicable. Please feel free to pass this along to anyone who needs it.

Blood on your Clown Suit

2011-06-27T18:55:00.000-07:00

In an effort to show that she's just as rustic as Caribou Barbie, wingnut Michelle Bachmann attempted to draw a parallel between herself and John Wayne by pointing out that they are both from Iowa--an argument that means, if I follow her logic, that I am an African-American football star with a penchant for dog-fighting since Michael Vick and I are both from the Tidewater area of Virginia.

Unfortunately, she chose John Wayne Gacy's hometown instead of John Wayne's to launch her Presidential bid.

If there is justice in the world, the fact that she did this in Waterloo, Iowa, should be significant.

Other Things I Saw in Kentucky

2011-06-27T10:05:00.000-07:00

My hotel in Louisville was the Galt House which is right next to the "KFC Yum! Center," a big ol' sports arena/concert venue that was lit up with neon 24/7. The hotel itself was more than adequate; it was beautiful. However, the hellish glow from the "KFC Yum! Center" made me wake up periodically in the night. The unexpected volume of light coming in through the seams of the curtains made me panic that I had overslept, so the first night or so was not as restful as it could have been, but I think that says more about me than the hotel, so let's move on, shall we?

During breaks in the AP scoring, I hung out in the various lobbies of the Kentucky International Civic Center (the KICC) where I found these posters. They were even posted miniature versions above the urinals in the men's rooms, so I had ample time to study. I had intended to (but did not) take pictures of the Katie Perry promo poster, some random pop-country band's poster that was so engrossing I could not even recall it as I walked away, and the poster for 80s country sensation, Alabama. The only memorable part about the Perry poster (other than the two things that make posters of her memorable on a normal basis) was the guest DJ, "Skeet Skeet."

**Warning: That last link goes to a potentially NSFW Urban Dictionary definition.***

So, as I gazed upon these posters for the better part of a week, the following questions bothered me:

Why isn't there a picture of Heart? Have the sisters aged so gracelessly that a picture of the aged members of Def Leppard is prettier?
Which one is Def Leppard's drummer? I mean, the poster is so cleverly crafted that they ALL only show one arm! (I think it's the guy showing off his chest, but I can't bear to look it up.)
Why doesn't Taylor shave closer? Or fire her publicist for using that picture? Or have her publicist employ someone who knows how to airbrush/photoshop her pit-hair? (Yes, it's entirely possible that she rocks it au natural, but the poster, in person, had sufficient resolution to make it appear that she had not too recently shorn herself. I suppose it's also possible that she has a heavy beard.)
DJ Skeet Skeet? Really? (Yes, it really said that.)
Wow, Alabama is still around? What was the name of that other country band on that other poster, and why can't I muster the energy to turn my head 45 degrees to the left to see?

Dept. of Cool Places to Visit: AP 2011

2011-06-27T09:33:00.000-07:00

This is what I did when I wasn't scoring papers:

This is the Seelbach Hotel in Louisville, Kentucky, the place where Daisy and Tom Buchanan held their wedding reception in The Great Gatsby. If and when you find yourself in Louisville, you may be lucky enough to get thrown out of the Seelbach's bar for public drunkenness, just like F. Scott Fitzgerald did on many an occasion!

Or you could, perhaps, go to the Louisville Bat Factory and Museum. Yes, they make all of the wooden bats there. It's amazing. Up until the 1980s, they still made all of the bats by hand on a wood lathe using a master and a pair of calipers. A skilled bat maker could create about 20 bats per 8-hour shift. Now they can precision lathe a bat in about 30 seconds. You need to visit this place. Last year, they had an exhibit showcasing original art from a book on the Negro Leagues which included artifacts like Satchel Paige's glove and Josh Gibson's bat. This year, they offered original sketches, studies, and paintings by Norman Rockwell. They also had his bike on display. Best part of the museum? You get a souvenir mini-bat at the end of the tour!

Is There Nothing These People Can't Ruin?

2011-06-27T09:28:00.001-07:00

Gah! Clearly, this is the herald of the death of the graphic novel.

Yeah!

2011-06-02T14:47:00.000-07:00

Dollar Tacos Are Now a Dollar-Twenty-five

2011-05-20T10:28:00.000-07:00

The cost of the dollar tacos at Super Mercado Numera Cinqo has SKYROCKETED all the way up to a whole buck-and-a-quarter. I find this utterly unacceptable.

Mind you, the taste, the quantity, the quality, none of this has changed except the price, and the price itself has been locked in at a buck for at least nine or ten years. Still, I am not happy.

I reckon I'm just not willing to risk botullism or worms or "the trots" for a buck and a quarter, though I am perfectly fine with this risk at one dollar.

Dept. of Adopting Stray Cats

2011-05-18T10:10:00.000-07:00

So Child Protective Services has closed the case on one of my special ed students for lack of evidence (though I strongly suspect that they closed it because he just turned 18). And, because he just turned 18, his "auntie" kicked him out of the house (though I strongly suspect she'll keep cashing his disability and Social Security checks).

Fortunately for this kid, he can crash on the couch of his almost-2-year-old baby's momma in the Grove. She's 31 and may soon have a job. Unfortunately, she's 31 and lives with her parents, and her parents don't like him. But, fortunately, she's applying for public housing, so there's always that hope, and we here at school have arranged for him to have a month of bus tickets and even a place to stay (that will only let him stay 72 hours because he's now 18 years old).

I should have never "loaned" him that two bucks for bus fare (that I was fairly sure, even as I handed it to him, I would never see again).

My Life as a Teacher

2011-05-13T16:03:00.000-07:00

This is the state of education in Texas:

Waiting For Godot: The Video Game

2011-02-23T06:27:00.000-08:00

I Done Solved the Education Kerfuffle

2010-10-15T06:35:00.000-07:00

Well, if not solved it, I can safely say that I know what to gripe about: aphorisms. We must eradicate aphorisms.

"Now you know, and knowing is half the battle." Actually, this is half of our problem. Children have been taught that all they have to do is to be aware, but not necessarily do anything, which brings me to my next aphorism.

I was walking to class this morning and passed the ROTC sergeants in the hallway. We exchanged the typical pleasantries, and when he asked how I was doing, I offerered that I was here and upright, so I must be okay. (I have a number of these banalities that roll off the tongue and allow me to pass amongst humans.) He replied, "Hey, man, showing up is half the fight."

These dang aphorisms are our problem.

We've been teaching kids for years to simply show up and know how to write their names on a piece of paper, but we haven't really taught them earn their keep. If all a student has to do is show up to get 50% of his grade, how can we possibly be surprised that we're ranked so low in education among comparable world powers? How many jobs are there in the world (or this country, or this city, or this neighborhood) wherein the only requirements for earning pay is to occupy space? Yet, this is exactly what we ask our students to do: show up and fill a seat and get a diploma.

I don't really have a solution for this, mind you. The great state of Texas has determined that the minimum grade of 50 is no longer state law, that students are supposed to get exactly what they earned in class. One would think that this is a good idea (and truth be told, I like this new law), but the law assumes that all students want to rack up straight A's and go to a traditional four-year university. The vast majority of students have little to no inclination to do this, nor do they have any clue that the cushion against failure they once had that has been removed. If we give a student anything lower than, say, a 35 or 40, that student cannot pass the semester and receive credit. Never mind that he could potentially make it up next semester if he maintains his grades; all the kid hears is that he can't pass, and he checks out. Now that kid is required to sit in a class he or she cannot possibly pass--and probably doesn't really understand anyway, which is why he failed in the first place--shuffle around increasingly difficult paperwork and feign interest while his idiot friends cavort and gambol outside the classroom in the sun.

I want to punch people who say that teaching is an easy job for people that can't do anything else. I want to punch them with a claw hammer.

X-Treem College Admissionz

2010-10-14T06:35:00.001-07:00

Received this in my teacher email in-box this morning:

Tufts University undergraduate Admissions invites prospective students and
their parents to an admissions information session.
"Tufts is diversity, ingenuity and creativity spun out of control." Thomas Clairborn, Class of 2014
A university focused on innovation and progressive thinking, Tufts features an
interdisciplinary and experiential approach to the liberal arts and engineering.
Come learn more about our signature programs including international studies,
the life and health sciences, humanities, engineering, sustainability and active
citizenship.
When: Thursday, October 14, 2010 at 7:00pm
Where: HILTON DALLAS/PARK CITIES,
Beverly A Room, 5954 Luther Lane, Dallas, TX 75225
RSVP: http://admissions.tufts.edu/RSVP
You can go without RSVPing, they just want a headcount.
Donelle Durham, admissions counselor, and members of the alumni interviewing committee of Dallas look forward to meeting you.

The bolding is mine.

I don't know about you, but when I think university education, I think "loss of control." And by "I think 'loss of control,'" I mean I don't really think that at all.

Tufts University, sponsored by RockStar Energy Drink.

This Can't POSSIBLY be a Scam

2010-08-11T17:03:00.000-07:00

Get a load of this email:

We are happy to announce that you are one of our Lucky Four(4)StarPrize Winner in this months edition of the Irish Lottery in England.This makes you a proud winner of a cah prize of £1,350,000 pounds.To claim your prize.send the following:
Name,Age,Sex,Country.(Office Email: irish0112@live.com )Dr Henry McCartneyn

You see, a "cah" prize is Gaelic for--okay, never mind, I've got no real joke here. I was just impressed that "They" have given up the obviously fake African lottery for only-slightly-less fake European lottery.

Lego Star Wars Coolness

2010-07-31T06:56:00.000-07:00

Way cool.

Basil Marceaux : The Next Governor of Tennessee

2010-07-30T09:23:00.000-07:00

Dale Peterson is damn manly

2010-06-18T10:43:00.000-07:00

Do you remember this guy's commercial?

Well, he didn't get the nomination. Instead, he pulled a Ross Perot and forced a run-off, and now he wants you to vote for the challenger and not the "fat cat" incumbant.

AND YOU'D BETTER DO IT, TOO, OR HE WILL SHOOT YOU!!!!!!!!1!1!!! Yeah, if you, like me, thought he was going to shoot the horse by the end of the first commercial, then wait 'til you get a load of this one. Forget implication. How about a nice piece of overt threat?

I don't even care who wins the race; I just want Dale to keep making commercials. I think I have a man-crush on him. (It's okay. He's Republican. That's how they roll.)

Sometimes, choosing the right caterer is harder than you think...

2010-06-07T11:31:00.000-07:00

Methinks someone neglected to finish reading the book when she picked out the name of her bakery.

And if you laughed out loud when you read it, I'll save you a seat next to me in Purgatory.

Hastening TEOTWAWKI

2010-05-27T08:19:00.000-07:00

These are the kind of thoughts that keep me awake and prevent me from getting work done:

We have adult dating websites dedicated to hooking up those who are either--ahem--not interested in a long term relationship (to put it politely) and/or looking to have an affair. One of these sites even has the catch-phrase, "Life's short; have an affair."

Further, we have very successful store chains with names like "Condom Sense" and "Condoms To Go" (as if there's an option to use them there). Some of these stores tack phrases on their billboards that say things like "for lovers."

I want to open a chain called "Condom Nation." Vote for our catch-phrase:

"For forbidden lovers, old friends, and aquaintances you don't plan to know very long."
"Sometimes you just want to get in and out without a lecture."

I reckon that if we really are spiralling (swirling?) toward Armageddon in 2012, I'd better hurry up and make a buck. Let me know what to put up on my billboard.

LOST Auction

2010-05-21T08:25:00.000-07:00

Cool stuff for the LOST fan, the Tailies, or whomever.

Comedy is 20/20

2010-04-27T06:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess it's only fair to knock off some of their stuff in return...

2010-02-24T09:22:00.000-08:00

Wow. Not really sure what to make of this. I think I'm going to have to go carefully through the credits for "Reservoir Dogs" this evening.

"Who Do You Think You're Fooling?"

I guess the big questions for me are: did "The Magnificent Seven" and "Fistful of Dollars" credit Kurosawa; does whether they did credit Kurosawa make any difference; and does this make "Reservoir Dogs" an homage or a plagiarism?

Orly Taitz is Andy Kaufman

2010-02-23T11:57:00.000-08:00

Here are the facts:

"Doctor" Taitz is a lawyer, a dentist, and a real estate agent.
She is an immigrant from Moldova by way of Israel.
She is the self-annointed head of the Birther movement, and she has become something of a modern-day Joan of Arc to the Tea-baggers.
She is notorious for frivolous lawsuits.
She now claims that the Obama Death Squads are after her, and has appealed to the U.N. for protection.
She claims to see no irony in any of this so far.
The name of the law firm she has selected to represent her is named Brimstone & Company.
Brimstone and CO. (a.) takes PayPal, and (b.) is a "multijurisdictional law firm - licenses in Washington D.C. and Nigeria."

This is pure, unadulterated, comic genius. Andy, you got us, but the cat's out of the bag. Please stop. Some people don't know when you're goofing.

Perhaps the Apocalypse Isn't Such a Bad Alternative

2010-02-02T10:47:00.000-08:00

This from the country that asked it's leader to schedule the State of the Union address so that it would not conflict with the season premiere of "LOST:"

ManPacks.

Of course, this makes me wonder: if the three month supply of clean socks, shirts and undies that they send you consists of one clean undershirt, one clean pair of socks, and one clean pair of underwear, does this mean that there are a significant number of men who do not change these things daily or even weekly?

Upcoming Movies That Probably Shouldn't But Do Excite Me

2010-01-19T07:16:00.000-08:00

Disney has started production on a John Carter of Mars live-action flick. To be honest, I'm a relative late-comer to the "Barsoom" series. It was one of those book series that I thought I was going to read but didn't because I was too busy reading "the Classical Canon." When I did get around to reading sci-fi, I always managed to pick up the ones that everyone who was anyone told me I should read. In other words, I got stuck reading stuff like Dune. While I can understand why Dune is good, I still don't like it. I don't like Brussel Sprouts either, even though they're supposed to be good for me. I like Edgar Rice Burroughs, and though I have read many, I have not read all of the Tarzan books, and I've only read A Princess of Mars, which is being made into a movie now. Insert geeky squeal here.
The A-Team is coming out soon, too. While this is yet another TV-show-cum-cinematic-feature, I'm reasonably excited by the trailer. Normally, my reaction to this sort of thing is "feh" because it just seems to me like Hollywood tea-bags the TV idea fountain all too often, and inevitably screws it up. Take "Charlie's Angels," for instance. No, really, take it. Get it away from me. And take "Dukes of Hazzard," too. If you think fanboys are upset with Lucas for Episodes I-III, I will kill whoever decided that raping my childhood television memories was a good idea. At least "Charlie's Angels" used real actors. I mean, really, there was no need for Jessica Simpson to affect a redneck accent when she already HAS one! Gah! The new "A-Team" trailer, on the other hand, seems like maybe, just maybe, they got it right. And that brings me to...
Iron Man 2. I said it before, and I'll say it again: let the people who know superheroes make a superhero flick, and it will rock your lame world. "Hulk," "Iron Man" and "Iron Man 2" give me hope for the "A-Team" flick. I know that some of the hardcore Iron Man fans are in a tizzy over the choice of such a minor villain as Whiplash, but the first Iron Man movie villain never really existed (to my knowledge) in the comic world, either, and he was good. Insert geek squeal here as well for bringing in Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow, and Olivia Munn as Iron Maiden. I don't even know who the hell "Iron Maiden" is, but I heart Olivia. Yeah, it's a geek-crush. Move on.
You may be thinking that the new "Clash of the Titans" excites me, but no. The phrase "gayer than Liberace's Christmas special" comes to mind.
"Shutter Island." I think I blogged about this already. Cool.
"Cop Out." To be honest, I'm kind of over Tracy Morgan, but the movie trailer looks really good, and I'm still a Bruce Willis fan. He should have been cast as Nick Fury, not Samuel L. Jackson. Period.
Finally, "Date Night" looks like it will be fan-freaking-tastic. For all of the comedic talent in the cast, the concept of average folks being thrust into a world of crime and intrigue when they were least expecting it is film noir all the way, baby. And I loves me some noir.

Conan the Comedian

2010-01-18T07:52:00.000-08:00

I suppose I should qualify this: I'm with Coco because I don't really like Leno. And I thought that Coco's letter to the People of Earth was exceptionally well written. There, I said it.

Interesting AP Score Spread

2010-01-14T09:31:00.000-08:00

This is from the AP Calculus teacher listserv. It compares the number of people who took an AP test and earned a 5 to those who earned a 1 (Note: this guy doesn't indicate from what year he culled his info, but it appears to be 2008). Of all the tests, it would appear that if you want to earn a 5, your best chance of receiving one would be in Calculus AB!!! (If more than three people get a 5 for every person who gets a 1, it stands to reason that you have a much better chance of getting a 5 than in, say, US History, where there is only one 5 for every three 1s.)

Of course, what this really proves is that if you let anyone and their cousin Bobby take an exam, your overall scores will not be as high as if you only let the best of the best from your school try out. Calculus BC demands a higher skill set than Calculus AB, and let's face it, if you're on your second year of calculus as a high school student, earning your core math credits in college is not exactly on your "To Fret Over" list. If you're smart enough to be in Calc BC, you're probably not the kind of kid who chokes when you're put under pressure either, hence the 5s. You are already cream of the crop when you walk into the exam.

Juxtapose that with AP US History's ratio. Its "market share" of the total number of tests offered makes it the most popular test of all time, with English Lit and Language following close behind, and most of those test-takers are juniors in high school. For many, APUSH is the "safety" AP course. Math and science scares you? ADHD? Reading gives you headaches? ADHD? Then APUSH is for YOU! At the University of Alabama, there was a saying for people considering rushing a fraternity: If you can't go Greek, go TKE; if you can't go TKE, go home. (It helps if you pronounce TKE "teak.") APUSH is the TKE of AP exams, and the number of kids who attain highest marks is trounced 3 to 1 by the number of kids who screw the pooch.

BUT (and here's the most important part of this) this is not a reflection of the quality of the school nor of the teacher!!!

There are quite a few private schools in the greater DFW metroplex who pride themselves on both their AP passing rates and their number of 5s, but some of them cherry-pick their test-takers. I can't tell you the number of kids who left very prestigious private schools to come to Woodrow because they knew they'd get the shot at AP that Bishop Basil's Academy for Wayward Debutantes denied them. This isn't to say that there isn't some damn fine and outright enviable teaching going on at private schools in the area--far from it. What I'm saying is look at the Calc BC scores, and look at what happens when the best of the best of the best take tests. The number of passing scores far outweighs the number of bless-your-heart scores.

I say this because earlier this school year, there was a kerfuffle in Ft. Worth over the number of failed tests in some school. The media were shocked, outraged, and appalled at the number of failing scores on AP exams, to which I say:

Look at the number of kids who were obligated to take the exams (if you don't have have a snowball's chance or don't give a hoot in hell about passing, you still get a score, and that score is 1).
Look at the number of kids who passed (it was only slightly below the national average, if memory serves, and that's fan-freakin-tastic, especially considering the number of second language learners in the area).
Look at the number of 2s (you have to work your butt off to get a 2, which is an indication of effort and potential, even if you don't pass).
It's A to the mother-fucking P, for pimp's sake. If E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E could pass it, why would it be considered an A-D-V-A-N-C-E-D course?

That's all I got. Comment me.

He Say You BradeRyunner

2010-01-06T10:56:00.000-08:00

The new Google phone is called the Nexus One.

Really? Is it too much to ask that the tech industry NOT name new devices after a famous line of machines which eventually attempt to replace humans? And if the more advanced Nexus Six models have only a four-year lifespan, how long do you think your brand new, high dollar Nexus One is going to last? Hmm?

So what about Cyberdyne Systems? Surely, no one would be foolish enough to name a company--What's that? Oh, there IS a Cyberdyne that makes bionic body parts? And the name of its flagship product is called the Hybrid Assistive Limb?

What are you doing, Dave?

Sometimes I think I'm the only one who pays attention around here.

***UPDATE***
Apparently, the heirs of P. K. Dick are paying attention. Verizon paid a trademark fee to Lucasfilm for naming their new phone the "Droid," but Google either didn't feel the need to do so, or was just shockingly short-sighted with regards to Dick's novel, Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep. The Wall Street Journal has an article on the kerfuffle here. (Thank you, MAD, for the hat-tip.)

70s Mash-up: Star Wars and Adidas

2010-01-06T06:54:00.000-08:00

Wow, how does one even begin? I must confess that I liked the vader track jacket with the cape for about 8.3 seconds.

Linkee.

World of Warcraft Silliness

2009-12-13T12:58:00.000-08:00

The latest patch came out just this week, and the typical patch-woes ensued (though noticeably fewer, to Blizzard's credit). So when the server froze at the very beginning of the third new instance, I was stuck inside it for about 20 minutes or so, unable to leave the dungeon, cast a spell, or even log out. (I eventually alt-tabbed and ended the task, for the record.)

However, one thing I could do was take screen shots. Enjoy.

"Dullknyfe photobombs Arthas"

"Dull and his sweetie, Sylvie"

Awesomesauce: West and Shatner

2009-11-28T07:37:00.000-08:00

Adam West AND William Shatner in one television show? Be still my geeky little heart!

Alexander the Great

IMDB page here.

Oh, yeah, and apparently John Cassavettes and Joseph Cotten were in it, too.

Wow.

I, For One, Do Wave at my Fellow Baptists in the Liquor Store

2009-11-16T08:32:00.000-08:00

Not really sure what's worse:

That they were rained out;
That they could not legally light a bonfire for the books;
That they couldn't find better fuel for their fire than Tom Petty and Megadeath.

Brain Squeezins: Volume 398

2009-11-06T11:44:00.000-08:00

So I went to the deli here in my office building for lunch, and the sandwich special of the day was the New Yorker. I know what a New Yorker is supposed to be like, but I think they called this sandwich a New Yorker because the meat came from one of two remaining species indigenous to Manhattan Island: a sewer rat or a Puerto Rican.

Anyway, I ate this greasy, cheesy mass of heated corned beef sandwich, and I gotta tell you, I'm already feeling ill. Greasy-pork-sandwich-served-in-a-dirty-ashtray ill. This feeling has been aggravated by a rather nasty lop of dried grease and cheese that I discovered a few minutes ago on the knuckle of my thumb.

It's worth noting at this point that I do not moisturize my hands like my wife tells me to do. Couple this with some minor, compulsive hand-washing issues and you've got a recipe for hands that even soaking in Palmolive won't necessarily help. My hands actually ache in February they get so dry. This is important to note because I have discovered something that might help this out, if only it didn't make me so ill.

Ordinarily, I'm a fairly tidy fellow. All bets are off if I'm wearing a white shirt, naturally, but by and large, I do a better than average job of staying reasonably clean while I eat. When I noticed that I had somehow missed a lop of cheesy grease (greasy cheese?), my first reaction was, "Gah! WTF?!?" My second reaction was, "Why is only my knuckle pink?" You see, that grease and cheese had moisturized my knuckle like you wouldn't believe. The rest of my hand is alligator skin, but my knuckle looks like I just left Madge down at the beauty parlor. I have since washed my hands; still, my knuckle is silky smooth.

Things Not to Think About When You Feel Nauseated:

Eating greasy pork sandwiches served in dirty ashtrays
Drinking warm buttermilk with lard chunks
Using Port-o-Lets in New Orleans during Mardi Gras
Finding a strange short hair in the bristles of your tooth brush
The smell of stale felafel when you open a rental car
Licking urinals in Grand Central Station, NYC
Maggots crawling on the back of your tongue
Two Girls, One Cup
Using sandwich grease to moisturize your dry skin

Gotta go now. Gag reflex kicking in. 'Bout to hurl.

Guess who the Alliance AFT endorses!

2009-10-29T06:57:00.000-07:00

If you guessed Bruce Parrott, you would be right! And the reason I know this is because I received a phone call from them last night to remind me that voter turnout was low and that I, as a member of the Alliance, should go vote for him and stuff.

This ticked me off because:

I was in the middle of a tense fight in World of Warcraft when the phone rang, and
FOR THE HORDE! Down with the Alliance! And
I was expecting a call from my mama, so I didn't bother checking the caller I.D. before I answered, which meant that this disturbance was my own fault.

In the random scariness department, they were calling because I have not voted early this time around, and they wanted to remind me to vote. This means that whether or not you care to vote is a matter of public record, and while I think that kind of information is fair game when the election votes are being tallied and the history books are being written, it seems wrong somehow to have that information during the election. And I say this knowing full well that this is vital information to professional campaign strategists, my wife being one. I know it's not cheating, but it just feels weird when some guy calls you in the middle of TV prime time to admonish you gently for not being all-American enough to vote for the candidate of your labor union's choice.

So, I did what I do whenever I accidentally answer a telephone sales call: I screwed with him.

Guy: Did you know that voter turnout is particularly low this year, and you should probably go vote as soon as possible?

Me: Yeaaaah, I dunno.

Guy: I'm sorry, what?

Me: I don't know if I'm going to do that. It's not like District 3 has any kind of choice.

Guy: (pause) Uh, do you need more information about Mr. Parrott?

Me: No, not really. All four candidates are pretty much the same.

Guy: Well, er, uh, your union, the Alliance-AFT, fully endorses Mr. Parrott because--

Me: Oh, I know, I know. I just don't see much point in voting at all this year.

Guy: What?!?

Me: Hey, I just want to thank you for calling. You're a really nice guy. I'm going to hang up now and go do anything else. God bless you and maintain the purity of your bodily fluids.

Guy: Well, okay, be sure to vote if you can.

That was probably needlessly cruel of me, but I can't resist an opportunity to throw in a good Dr. Strangelove line. And really, if early voter turnout is really all that low, what difference does it make to me? The fear of standing in line to vote on Election Day does not rule my life, and isn't that the only purpose of early voting? To avoid lines?

I suppose that I should be nervous that Penny Anderly or Bea Whatserface--you know, the two without college degrees--that one of those two might actually edge out Parrott or Ellis. Granny Anderly's recent mail-out essentially says something along the lines of "them slicked-up college-degreed fellers downtown don't know nothin' 'bout book learnin' your young'uns." (Yes, I actually read her flyer, and it reads like some semi-literate Palin supporter from the "real Dallas" used one of them fancy cipherin' machines over at the public li-berry to do the layout.) Ellis' campaign flyer has cut a bunch of photos from the DISD website in an effort to take credit for what teachers were able to do in spite of her tenure on the school board, and all Bea Martinez has is a clever campaign slogan (Bea for the Children). I don't remember Parrott's mailer, which paradoxically speaks volumes for his campaign.

So there you go, Alliance-AFT guy, that's why I question the validity of the District 3 race. I really do think I may write in my own name if only out of exasperation.

You know what's a lot of fun? Stairs!

2009-10-29T06:51:00.000-07:00

I was trapped in the elevator for a whole THREE minutes, the most harrowing three minutes of my... well, morning I guess. At any rate, the elevators in my office building are still randomly imprisoning people, so I would recommend taking the stairs.

Because--like--you want to come visit me in my office, or something.

For the record, I pressed '3' which is important to note since I often press 'G' when I’m on the ground floor and '3' when I’m on the third. The elevator didn’t move. I waited. The elevator still didn’t move, so I pressed 'Door Open,' and it didn’t. I then pressed 'G' to see if the elevator would unfoxtrot itself without outside intervention, and it didn’t either. By the time a live human answered the panic button, the doors opened magically. My Elevator Ride from Heck--which wasn’t really all that bad, hence it being from Heck rather than Hell--lasted a whopping three minutes, and that was enough time to convince me to take the stairs.

Have a nice day.

WTF? Is the Dallas Morning News even trying?

2009-10-23T09:01:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, I said I quit, but I had to take a look at the Dallas Morning News' DISD Blog for old times' sake, and what I ended up with was this.

We don't get a paragrpah that is more than one sentence long until paragraph five.
By the author's admission, the story was published before it was fact checked.
There's a strange, half-assed interjection of first person opinion in a piece that is supposed to be informative.

Anger and digust prevent me from elaborating further: Anger that my subscription fees fund this to some small extent, and disgust that the editorial board of the paper thinks this is good enough.

I do realize that it's a blog, but come on, DMN. This is supposed to be a form of beat journalism. I don't mind you referencing your own stories, but what you're cranking out here is simply awful writing the likes of which are insufficient for the average Facebook or MySpace entry. If this is what constitutes journalism then this blog is Pulitzer Prize-worthy.

(Psst! This blog isn't really Pulitzer Prize-worthy.)

It figures.

2009-10-22T08:46:00.001-07:00

In my defense, I know people with higher scores.

What's That Bright Object in the Sky Called Again?

2009-10-19T14:11:00.000-07:00

The family computer survived the littlest Bosch spilling my Dr. Pepper on the keyboard. All things considered, that we can't use the 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, or zero keys is small potatoes compared to what could have happened.

The family computer did not survive the dying of the hard drive however. The new drive is forthcoming, and the tech priests managed to salvage a little bit of of the old drive's soul, so at least we will get to keep our family photos. Not sure about anything else at the moment.

The silver lining in all of this is that I have been able to catch up on some reading. It is absolutely amazing what one can accomplish when you don't have a soul-sucking video game monopolizing your time. I mean, it's not like I'm ever going to tan in this lifetime, but being out-of-doors for more than the time it takes to get to the car is somewhat nice.

Just finished reading Shutter Island by Dennis Lehane. Wow. Rashomon meets Dr. Caligari (hope that doesn't give away too much). The movie comes out in February. The book's been out a while, so I realize that this has all of the power of saying Moby Dick is a fantastic novel, but Shutter Island is fan-freakin-tastic. I HIGHLY recommend.

Okay. Time to go find another book to (re)read. Othello perhaps? I'm sure I've got something lying around that I never found time to peruse. I will keep the media updated.

NEA-Dallas to District 3 Voters: "Meh."

2009-10-15T06:38:00.000-07:00

NEA-Dallas has made its Dallas ISD school board endorsements with the exception of District 3. Evidently, the local branch of the National Education Assoication and Texas State Teachers Association feel that District 3 should vote "none of the above."

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.

Even worse, in a move that begs the question, "Does the Dallas Morning News editiorial board actually read its editorials," the DMN editorial board has endorsed Ellis and another incumbent board member.

Wait, did I say they were incumbents? I meant to say "illegitimate office holders whose legal terms ended last spring who opted to extend their terms illegally and force already-cash-strapped Dallas taxpayers to fund a special election." And the Dallas Morning News endorsed them.

Dallas Morning News Editorial Staff: you suck.

Dallas ISD Board of Education District 3 Election

2009-10-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

You probably woke up this morning and said to yourself, "Self, just who is Aloysius going to vote for in the District 3 BOE Election?" Fortunately, I'm going to tell you for whom I intend to vote, but allow me to first offer you the cautionary maxim by which I live:

Be careful what you wish for lest you forget the day it rained ponies.

A few years ago, when Leigh Ann Ellis first ran for office against Lois Parrott, I was dissatisfied with the way things were going. I will own up to the fact that I am hard pressed to remember exactly why I was displeased, but I was displeased. A nice lady showed up on my door one afternoon while my daughter was napping and I was playing something Tom Clancy-esque on my aging Xbox. She was Ellis, and she had her daughter in tow, and she was talking all about how she was active in her daughter's educational community, and gosh she sure wanted my vote, and she was so glad that I and my neighbors were so open to change and running Parrott out... Though I owned no snakes, I must confess that I bought plenty of the oil she was offering.

Now, with Bruce Parrott running for office against Ellis, I am still dissatisfied with the way things are going. I have a different perspective on things now as I have made a total transition from concerned employee of the district to concerned parent with child in the district. Simply put, Ellis is taking credit for positive things that happened during her watch for which she has no claim (like Hexter Elementary's Blue Ribbon status), and she's distancing herself from the things for which she is completely responsible (like Hinojosa's multi-million dollar boondoggle). An until-recently-staunch Jack Lowe toady, Ellis rubber stamped everything he and Coach Mike spray-shat down the pike. And when it looked like the public might actually get a chance to boot her do-nothing butt out of office, she finally broke ranks and voted against Lowe--a move which now has so alienated her old sugar-daddy that he's currently endorsing some other lady in her place, Penny Anderly.

Penny Anderly seems like a nice person: that, as far as I can tell, is the sum and total of her qualifications. Try not to look too hard at her background on her website.

Bea Martinez is a real estate agent with only a slightly more completely disclosed educational background than Anderly. Now I've known some really nice real estate agents; on the other hand, I've seen "Glengarry Glen Ross." My biggest problem with Martinez is that I do not want to seem like I in any way agree with LULAC. While they do look out for the rights of their constituents, the people that I have met assoicated with LULAC only look out for the rights of Hispanics and to hell with any-/everyone else. The NAACP was formed to protect the rights of African Americans, but historically sought to protect the rights of all minorities. LULAC wouldn't spit on a Black man if he was on fire. Furthermore, the party line seems to be something along the lines of: "OMGWTFBBQ! Things sure are bad for Latinos, and it's all the Black people's fault. Isn't it, my white friends with money?" Yes, okay, that's an exaggeration--LULAC doesn't like white people either--but it is no exaggeration that LULAC is incredibly self-absorbed and not above stinging the back of the toad that's carrying it across the water mid-crossing. That I'm not voting for Martinez is not because I don't like "Brown people;" I wouldn't vote for a Klan member or a Black Panther, either, though the jury's out on a Guardian Angel.

That leaves me with Bruce Parrott. A couple of weeks ago, he showed up on my doorstep canvassing my neighborhood. It was a very vuja-de moment for me as I was playing a video game again (World of Warcraft this time) and I was just as unprepared to speak to a candidate seeking office (I was dressed like a couch potato complete with potato chips on my shirt). He introduced himself, and though he did not have a son or daughter in tow, the exchange was very similar to the Ellis meeting a few years ago. When I asked if he was related to Lois, he stiffened and said he was, though he did not elaborate--not even to say she was his wife. I made the comment, "Well at least you're not related to Ellis, right?" That seemed to make him relax a tad, but the whole thing was very awkward from then on as I wanted to get back inside to level up my rogue, and my kids wanted to come out on the porch to see who was there, and he was obligated to give me his spiel pro forma (I think he truncated it, but I have no evidence to support that).

To recap, my choices:

Ellis, champion of the effed up status quo
Anderly, the angry grandmother endorsed by Darth Lowe
Martinez, the token LULAC puppet
Parrott, the guy who is not Lois Parrott

Are we sure I can't vote for Cthulhu? I really don't like settling for the lesser evil if I have the opportunity to vote for the Greatest Evil of All.

Though he is no Cthulhu, I'm going to have to vote for Parrott. The way he rankled when I asked him about Lois suggests to me that he is not her puppet. I have to vote against Ellis, I have no reason to vote for Anderly, and I have to vote against Martinez, so Bruce is all I've got left.

I would insert a joke here about writing in my name, but let's be honest: I would just be there to make a mockery of the proceedings, and judging by the way the school board is currently run, that looks to be like too much hard work for which I will not be compensated. They're so efficient at making themselves look like a joke!

This brings me back to my maxim. Once upon a time, the wish fairies up in the clouds had so many back-order wishes for ponies that the head wish fairy said, "Fine! Give them ponies! All of them! Now! I don't care! Make it so!" So many children, deserving and undeserving, had wished for ponies that there was no way for the wish fairies to personally deliver each and every pony to each and every child. Thus, the day rained ponies. O the carnage! The whinnying! The horror!

I wished so hard for not-Parrott that I got Ellis. I'm going to be more careful this time.

Found: Quote from Ibsen's "Peer Gynt"

2009-10-13T13:13:00.000-07:00

"Out there, where sky shines, humans say: 'To thyself be true.' In here, trolls say: 'Be true to your self-ish.' "

I like that, even if it is a little Ayn Randroid-ish.

Good Old Fashioned WTF Quackery

2009-10-02T11:10:00.000-07:00

Remember this maxim: When you change the way you look at things, the things you
look at change. The way you perceive things is an extremely powerful tool that
will allow you to fully bring the power of intention into your life.
- Wayne Dyer

...therefore, unless you intend for the cat to die from exposure to the radioactive isotope, you should not open the box. Oh yes, my friends, for when you observe an experiment, the experiment will observe you...

...And then it will die because you stuck it in a lead box with instant cancerous death.

You know what, true believers? I am clearly in the wrong racket. As long as I don't actually need to look these suckers--er, I mean my clients--in the eye and maintain a straight face at book signings, I'm fairly certain that I could fulfil my life-long dream of living life like a Warren Zevon song. As Mr. Bad Example, I would have plenty of lawyers, guns and money, and my hair would be PERFECT.

That tears it. If a guy named Wayne who went to Wayne State University (don't bother, I looked it up--it's a real place in Michigan) can haul in phat lewt for cranking out Yoda-esque haiku, then by golly I'm going to be the next Dr. Aloysius. My book will called, "Quit Your Damned Whining: Your Parents Loved You, Your Spouse Left You Because You're Self-Centered, and Your Dog Died of Natural Causes." Every chapter will begin with me telling the reader to man up (that's a gender-neutral command), take some pepto, and send me a quarter every time you have unhappy, self-destructive thoughts.

I. Will. Be. Rich.

And I will roll in a giant tub of those quarters and do my best impression of Eric Cartman saying, "Ah, money," over and over again.

Gah! I don't really have a point here other than Dr. Phil and Artoo Deepak Chopra and others of their ilk make me wish I'd skipped college and gone on the faith-healing circuit. Then Mick Jagger could send ten dollars to my church, the Church of the Sacred Bleeding Heart of Jeebus located in Los Angeles, California, and all of his dreams would come true.

Clearly, in this this life, I am atoning for my sins as a snake oil salesman in a past life.

Yeah, that's my boy.

2009-09-24T12:05:00.000-07:00

Not content to be a mere luchador, the Dashman had to take it one step further.

/sigh

The Hexter Sea Hag Done Ticked Me Off

2009-09-21T11:37:00.000-07:00

The Concession: Let me start by saying that ordinarily I have nothing but respect and admiration for the folks at my daughter's elementary school. One, they have achieved Blue Ribbon status, and two, they deal with scads of little people daily without introducing the lot of them to Mr. Dark Enclosed Area. No, really, I personally believe that elementary teachers have an express lane into the Pearly Gates that they share with Middle School teachers. That having been said, I've got a beef with the morning monitor lady.

I try desperately not to be "that kind of parent." I do, indeed, walk my daughter into school nearly every morning. I do, indeed, loiter in the lobby and say good-bye to her and her little friends as they file out of the auditorium and on to class. I don't do it every day, but I'm a regular. I did this last year during her kindergarten year, and I intend to continue doing this for the rest of her first grade year. My dad never had a chance to do this, so sue me.

Now I'm an advocate for letting folks do their jobs, especially when their jobs suck and I would never in a million years of pain want to take their place. HOWEVER, Angry Tattooed Ankle Lady was pointlessly rude today, and I'm having trouble getting over it. "Angry Tattooed Ankle Lady" is the hall monitor assigned to the unenviable task of preventing Type-A parents from escorting their darlings to their kindergarten and first grade classes. She's responsible for being the bad guy who has to cut the apron strings/umbilical cords, if you will, so her morning duties have all the luster of an Obaman Death Panel Abortionist but with a shittier health care plan. As a (former) teacher, I understand that she is the thick blue line that maintains order in the boo-hoo lane, but Jesus "Tap-Dancin'" Marimba on a Pogo Stick, she doesn't have to be rude.

The Situation: My precious darling daughter tripped in the crosswalk on the way in to school this morning. We arrived just before the bell was to ring, and in her haste she nearly faceplanted in the road. Principal Healey saw it happen, as did several other folks who all said 'aw, poor thing' and expressed an approrpiate level of passing concern. Not having my Utility Belt with me today, I decided to take my daughter in to the clinic for a quick swabbing and a Band-aid, and the nurse was exceptionally kind with my girl. The first bell rung, naturally, so instead of taking her to the auditorium, I took her to the hall adjacent to the auditorium where I usually stand with the other parents and wave to the kids. I am very conscientous of staying the heck out of the way, so I was in no way blocking the door or hallway today.

The Offense: My girl was halfway down the hall when I turned to leave, but I was stopped by another parent who asked me a question about school pictures. It seems that we didn't get the Official School Picture Flyer in our precious darlings' notebooks this past Friday and pictures are THIS Thursday FOR GOD'S SAKE how can I stand such a travesty clearly the teacher is falling down on the job and we should foment open revolt. I began to reply that I was certain that we would get them today or tomorrow when the Sinbad of the Ankle Tattoo Clan barked out, "Okay, it's time to get out. Let's move it."

Pardon the fuck out of me, what?

I tolerated her bellowing at the kids every morning in the auditorium last year because she had the unenviable job of maintaining order among 100+ four, five and six year olds. It bugged me, her angry display, but I let it slide because she was doing her job, and there was no way I was going to undermine her authority--especially in front of the wee ones.

I sympathized with her this year with trying to get parents to stop blocking the entranceway. Sure, I was in the entranceway, but I have almost always managed to put my back against the wall and keep out of the way--especially when there are lots of people trying to get see their precious darlings off.

Today, however,

I was one of MAYBE 3 people in the entrance area well after the bell had rung,
I was leaving, and
my daughter's class' Room Mom had stopped me to discuss what was ostensibly school business.

I understand that school budgets are strapped, but the last time I checked manners were free. Furthermore, you made teacher-guy standing near you snicker. It was one of those nervous, "Geez, dude, chill," kinds of snickers--the kind where you are amused because you would love to be openly rude enough to say something like that, but neither the place nor the occasion warrants such embarassing vitriol.

The Resolution: Angry Monitor Lady and her trashy, would-be-Juarez-stripper-I'm-so-drunk ankle-tattoo are on notice. I am no longer required to maintain anything beyond barest civility. You want to lump me in with the scary, freaky parents? Fine. I'm now a scary, freaky parent, but I'm also one who knows the system, and I have a cruel streak a mile wide.

Starting tomorrow morning, I'm going to have fun. I think I'll start with district dress policy.

Zombie Silhouettes!

2009-09-18T11:02:00.001-07:00

I may just have to return to competitive shooting. There's a whole series here.

Champions-Online: A Whole New Timekiller

2009-09-14T19:11:00.000-07:00

The game is brand new, so it's going through its various growing pains, but it's pretty entertaining. To quote the great Ferris Beuller, "If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up. They're SO choice." Here's a pic of my character:

Anyone want to play Guess the Homage?

So far I've seen a guy that looks an awful lot like Gambit named "Remy," and a guy that looks an awful lot like the Tick named "Big Blue Justice." From what I understand, folks had the same kind of fun with the original version of this game, "City of Heroes," and the various comic groups shut them down with threats of law suits. I sincerely hope that the comic groups realize that people are acting out their fantasies, and that cease and desist orders can only hurt the image of the parent comic group, but oh well, corporate lawyers will be corporate lawyers, and I suppose it is their job to protect their companies' copyrights.

I have also seen an awful lot of VERY scantily clad lady characters (ie g-strings and bullet-proof bikini tops), and enough succubi to fill an outer ring of Hades, but I think that has more to do with the gamers than the game. Should I actually spot a female character that is dressed, I imagine I will have found a real-live female gamer, but I don't think I'll wait underwater to see one.

The Dash: Luchador!

2009-09-14T08:45:00.000-07:00

So my boy runs up to me with his socks on his hands and says, "Take off my shirt." For the next hour or so, this is how he ran around the house.

That's right. He's not quite 3 yet.

Heroic Invective, or How to Pwn Someone with Rhetoric

2009-09-10T13:31:00.000-07:00

If you have ever had the (dis)pleasure of sitting in one of my rhetoric classes, then you know that at some point, someone (usually me) will let slip an obscenity or three, and this inevitably leads me to a digression about careless invective.

You see, I really do abhor that I swear like a sailor. I would prefer to save my curses for when they truly matter, like when I really need to drive home my point. The more you swear, the more people become accustomed to your foul mouth, which means you have to resort to The Most Foul and Abhorent Language to impress. For example, there is a regular sub at Woodrow named Miss Mary who is, hands down, the nicest, most positive person you or I have ever met. Her patience is nigh-infinite, and I don't know of any students that have been there for more than a freshman semester who don't like her.

Now to hear me drop an F-bomb in class is unusual and amusing, but not entirely out of the realm of possibility; however, if you ever heard her swear, it would curl your hair. Once, her car was stolen from the faculty parking lot. There Miss Mary was, walking back and forth in front of a parking space filled with not-her-car, explaining to whomever would listen that she distinctly parked between blue Toyota, (recites the plate number), and red Honda, (recites this plate number, too). She was in tears and close to hysterics. Worst of all, by her own admission, the car was not even that nice a car, but it was an older model, old-lady-blue, generic car unit perfectly suited for some gang-banger-wannabe's would-be crime spree. If ever there was a time to let loose with the invective, that was it. And she didn't, which is why she is a better human being than yours truly.

Furthermore, I get really upset at myself when I accidentally offend people. When I offend, I prefer to look people in the eye so that they know that I care enough to send the very best. Accidental offense implies sloppiness and lack of control on a person's part.

This leads me to an email that I just received. You have, no doubt, heard these before--they're oldies but goodies--and it's entirely possible that you have received this email as well. I aspire to insult people so effectively and so completely.

Enjoy:

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Extracurricular Skullduggery

2009-09-09T06:37:00.000-07:00

What would you say if your child's school district opted not to show President Obama's speech, citing that it would disrupt the educational process? Well, on those grounds, since we live in a post-Tivo society, okay. I mean, if they're really that uptight about getting an education under my kid's belt, that's great. Right? I can make my kid sit through a Presidential speech at home just as easily as her teacher can make her sit through it at school.

Now what would you say if that same school district plans to send 500 kids to Cowboys Stadium to hear President Bush talk about Superbowl XLV?

The event, to be held at the Cowboys Stadium, is hosted by the North Texas Super
Bowl XLV Committee. A regional service-learning program, of which George and
Laura Bush are the honorary chairs, to coincide with the 2011 Super Bowl in
Arlington is to be announced. NFL officials, Roger Staubach and Troy Aikman are
also confirmed speakers, according to the committee’s communications with the
district.

The distinction between listening to the President of the United States of America's personal message regarding the importance of education and listening to an ex-President talk about professional football?

"The distinction is it's a field trip that parents have to grant permission for
students to attend... With parental permission the selected classes will
attend a filed trip at the Cowboys Stadium where they will hear from
several different speakers."

Wow. I mean... wow. Thank God this is in Arlington, Texas, hundreds of miles away from--oh, wait. Arlington's right next door to Dallas, isn't it?

Well, maybe W. will talk about the fantastic success that is "No Child Left Behind" and how it has transformed Texas public schools into The Model for Student Success. Or perhaps Mrs. Bush will offer us working definitions of 'irony' and 'duplicity.' In any case, I'm sure this is a WONDERFUL use of the students' time, and will well-prepare them for their future in the workforce selling cold beer and peanuts at the Superbowl.

Mythical Chupacabra Found In Texas! Again.

2009-09-03T08:43:00.000-07:00

Haven't been following the news? Fret not, the big story of the day from CNN is that the elusive Chupacabra finally has been bagged in Texas, and its body is being held onto by a taxidermist who intends to sell it to a museum.

No, really. I'm not making this up.

There's a problem, though. The elusive Chupacabra was bagged two years ago by some other Texan, a lady in Cuero, Texas. DNA testing proved it to be a coyote with a REALLY bad case of mange. I have no doubt that the latest Chupacabra will prove to be the same.

Zombies Continue to Run Amok

2009-08-13T08:28:00.000-07:00

You know, without this monster mayhem, I might not have ever gotten around to these classics.

Sense and Sensibility and Seamonsters, indeed!

Zombie Literature

2009-08-06T09:45:00.000-07:00

So in the course of my everyday work, I stumbled across two new(ish) books that are making an obvious play for some of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies' market share.

Coscom Entertainment has two titles out--Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Zombie Jim and The War of the Worlds Plus Blood, Guts and Zombies.

Um, okay.

You see, I kind of like PPZ, and the premise behind Finn and Zombie Jim is compelling: a mutant strain of TB brings people back from the dead, slavery is ended because now people can use docile zombies as servant labor, black folks are freed, then virus mutates again and the docile zombies become violent. (Check out Coscom's synopsis for more details. It's the same on their website as it is on Amazon. My problem is that the Amazon webiste has a few pages to look at and review before purchase, and while I think the premise is novel (heh, no pun intended), the execution leaves much to be desired.

That is the beauty of PPZ--the writing was so seamless that it didn't read like a paragraph of Austen followed by a paragraph of zombie silliness. It flowed. The first page of Finn and Zombie Jim does not flow like the Mississippi. It flows more like... well, like a drainage ditch. The narrative seams are worse than whip-stitched; they're autopsy stitched. One would think that an analogy like that would be complimentary, but I mean it in the context of what one would prefer having just left an expensive plastic surgeon's office. Perhaps you should just check out both versions at Amazon, and you'll see what I mean.

So the big question here is whether or not to take the plunge and purchase Finn and Zombie Jim. Anyone want to buy it for me?

THIS is How I Rickroll

2009-07-25T16:43:00.000-07:00

Hot Dog Update!!!!!

2009-07-23T13:09:00.001-07:00

Earlier reports of "Eddie's Deli" being called "Chicago's Hot Dogs" were erroneous. It is called "Eddie's Deli," and it still rocks your lame world.

That is all. Go buy a hot dog.

Dallas Restaurant Review: Chicago's Hot Dogs

2009-07-08T10:38:00.000-07:00

At the southeast corner of Northwest Highway and Abrams Road, there is a little strip mall with some assorted restaurants, one of which you need to go to NOW. It's called Chicago's Hot Dogs, and it's run by a guy named Eddie who is from Chicago and knows his hot dogs.

You really don't need to read any more. You have your assignment. Go get some real Vienna Beef hot dogs, or Polish dogs if that's your way. This place is to hot dogs what Wingfield's in South Oak Cliff is to hamburgers. Mana from Chicago, that's what it is. The menu is something like five variations of hot dogs (chili-dog, Maxwell Street Polish Dog, Chicago Dog, etc), chips and drinks, and that's it. He's a hot dog vendor, and the place is comprised of awesome. There is little room to sit, but that's why God made sunshine, you know. He's got a table outside the place to have a seat in the covered wide-open.

What's that? You're already Wild About Harry's? Forget that crap. He dices the frickin' tomatoes and ruins your dog with ketchup. And it's a chain. What are you, Wal-Mart or something? You got it in for the little guy trying to make a buck? Shut your pie hole with a real Chicago hot dog.

I'm sorry, did you say something about your rug rats not eating hot dogs without ketchup? What kind of parent are you? I bet you drown your kids' veggies in cheese or Ranch dressing, too. Real hot dogs get mustard, and your child needs to grow up and learn to eat food like an adult human. (Eddie makes a version of the Chicago dog without all of the accoutrements for the wee tykes.)

In all sincerity, it's a great little joint here in Dallas that makes me pine for Lakeshore Drive (and I don't mean the one in Lakewood). If your concept of a Chicago hot dog is Wild About Harry's, go do yourself a favor and try this place. If you're disappointed, you're probably the kind of person that puts A-1 on filet mignon.

Best "Transformers: ROTFL" Review EVAR!

2009-06-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

This is the greatest movie review I have read in a LONG time. "Michael Bay Finally Made an Art Movie." An excerpt:

Transformers: ROTF is so long, you'll need to wear adult diapers to it. But the movie's pure celebration of the primal urge, and unfiltered living, will make you rejoice in your adult diapers. You'll relieve yourself in your seat with a savage joy, your barbaric yawp blending in with the crowd's screams of excitement.

A tip of the hat to Mr. Ed for the heads up.

The 51st State Quater!

2009-06-29T11:39:00.000-07:00

Apparently while I was gone, Puerto Rico became a state as it is now on a quarter. I can only suppose that when Pluto's status was downgraded from "planet," PR was upgraded to maintain cosmic balance.

Please attempt to go about your daily business in this new, post-Jacksonian world.

Daytona Observations: All-in-One-Go Edition

2009-06-16T16:50:00.000-07:00

Here it is, the next to the last day in Daytona Beach, and I'm hoping that the storm that's blowing in doesn't delay the Space Shuttle launch again. Tomorrow morning at 5:40am EST, the shuttle is supposed to launch, and I'm actually going to attempt to be up in time to watch it from the hotel roof. We shall see.

So here are my observations and running commentary regarding the English reading and the fan-tabulous city of Daytona Beach in no particular order:

The first man on the moon was not Louis Armstrong, nor was it Lance Armstrong, and whoever thought it was Neo Armstrong... well, bless your heart.
If you are a woman living in the greater Daytona area under 40 years of age and you do NOT have a tattoo, you must be new.
If you are a girl living in the greater Daytona area over the age of 12 and you do NOT have a tattoo yet, resist. There is a "henna art" kiosk in the mini-mall beside the hotel here that offers temporary tramp stamps, arm bands, prison markings and whatnot for a (not so) modest fee. I saw a very young (maybe 10) girl with one of these on her lower back. Her momma's ass and ankles looked like they had been detailed at a Harley shop, so I guess I should not be that surprised.
Coming out when you are a teen requires bravery and fortitude. Coming out on the essay portion of your high stakes national exam that your momma paid for is kinda pointless.
There are more families from out of town enjoying the beach. I'm taking this as a positive sign for the economy as last year, this place was dead.
The Daytona Cubs have a nice little park with friendly people. I have come to the conclusion that the team for whom I have chosen to cheer will lose unless I leave early. They will not rally until I am standing outside the ballpark in earshot of the crowd, waiting for a taxi.
I got a Flat Stanley picture with Cubbie, the Daytona Cubs' mascot. I am Father of the Year.
I am so tired that I am punch drunk and bone tired. I think I have come down with a summer cold. The temperature in the convention center here is so cold that even I bought a hoodie to wear. I had no idea that there was any kind of need for hooded sweatshirts in Florida, but I see many of the local tattooed youth wearing them. They must be reptilian.

Dept. of Things That Have Always Bothered Me

2009-06-05T10:39:00.000-07:00

From the novel The Little Stranger by Sarah Waters (excerpt found on NPR's website):

'You ought to know better, a clever lad like you,' I expect she said.

People were always saying things like that to me when I was young. My parents, my uncles, my schoolmasters-all the various adults who interested themselves in my career. The words used to drive me into secret rages, because on the one hand I wanted desperately to live up to my own reputation for cleverness, and on the other it seemed very unfair, that that cleverness, which I had never asked for, could be turned into something with which to cut me down.

About a year ago, a friend of mine was down on his luck. His job sucked, his girlfriend was about as interesting as shrubbery (though not as good looking), and things just hadn't been going his way for quite some time. We were at an event with a bunch of other reenactors, and when my friend stepped away, a semi-retarded man-child that had recently joined our unit made the comment that my friend was so smart and yet such a loser. This got my Irish up, and I was about to lay into this guy verbally (and very probably physically) when a much wiser friend who was at our table said, "It's the curse of giftedness: to have so many things you're good at, but absolutely no idea what to do."

It is a curse.

I'm going to buy this book: that's today's goal.

Three Wolves T-Shirt

2009-05-26T11:13:00.000-07:00

Found this in response to this: http://www.amazon.com/Three-T-Shirt-Available-Various-Sizes/dp/B000NZW3IY/ref=pd_sbs_gro_3

Enjoy.

I Heart Parks Sabers

2009-05-21T08:01:00.000-07:00

As you may or may not know, I have wanted a Parks Sabers lightsaber for a long time. Unlike the Force F/X replicas, you can fight with these, and when I say 'fight,' I mean like Kendo, full-on, I'm-fixin'-to-whoop-your-ass-with-this-lightsaber kind of fighting.

Yeah, and they're like three times the cost of the F/X sabers and they don't come with sound-effects, but that's beside the point. I want one like Obi-Wan's. That, and I perfected my lightsaber sound effect when I was like seven or eight years old, so step off, sucker.

So imagine my delight when I discovered this: the Fully Functioning Bluetooth Star Trek Communicator, which just also happens to be offered by Parks Sabers. (What I was doing loitering on the website is irrelevant and immaterial.) I've been saying the world needs this for going on a decade now. Oh how my geeky heart explodes with delight!

(By the way, I still want a lightsaber--the Arc-Wave model with a blue blade. Father's Day, 12th anniversary, Memorial Day, late International Star Wars Day, early birthday: I'm not picky.)

Texas is the New Alaska

2009-05-18T13:15:00.000-07:00

Check out Texas Congressman Joe Barton and all four hundred and fifty of his amendments to the Waxman-Markey energy bill. He's shaking up D.C. and all those Democratic fat-cats who are trying to make life miserable for the common man. You betcha!

For the record (and because I am truly fair and balanced), the Waxman-Markey bill has issues, the biggest of which is how to enforce such a bill on foreigners. Nonetheless, several major players back this bill as the lesser of two evils. The GOP leftovers in Congress, however, have vowed to play spoiler to any bill that might disrupt fair trade and access to new market blah blah blah (shorthand: anything proposed by Democrats). Enter Joe "the Plumber" Barton from Ennis or Ellis or somesuch tick-turd town south of Dallas known for environmental polution and interstate bathrooms that don't tell.

Barton and his cronies have decided to wage guerilla warfare in Congress (insurgency?) against the Pelosi and her Demoncrats. "Guerilla warfare" in GOP-speak apparently means douche-baggery like adding 450 amendments to a proposal, and having Biggest Loser Jesus-freaks writing bad verse that doesn't scan demanding Pelosi's resignation. Now, Pelosi is a bitch on wheels, no doubt, but really? Four-hundred and fifty freaking amendments to a bill, most of which list the same thing for each state individually?

Isn't this what Republicans claimed was wrong with Washington, D.C.? Why does Barton hate America, and why does he want Texas to look like Alaska?

MSVGO FTW!

2009-05-13T07:02:00.000-07:00

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. Straight to video, straight to my heart.