Newsflash: "Hero" No Speakee Ingrish!

So last night, my dear wife and I decide to spend a childless evening at the movies. When we first saw the promos for "Hero," we both agreed that it was a must-see. My lovely wife is into martial arts, and I'm for good movie making whatever the genre, so we went to the DFW's newest Movie Megalopolis at a mall just the other side of the LBJ freeway. That's where we saw the sign:

"Hero is spoken in Mandarin Chinese with English Subtitles."

And your point is? Hey, Sherlock, it's a Chinese movie. I rank that warning right up there with the warnings on the side of Dr. Pepper bottles that say, "Contents under pressure. Open away from face." So I point out the sign to my wife, and we titter politely and make brief snotty comments about the quality of education in the 972 area code, and that would have been it but for the ticket monger at the window.

"Uh, you know that this movie is in Chinese, right? With English subtitles...?"

"It's okay," I reply. "I can read English."

"Well, I just had to check. Some people have asked for their money back. Enjoy the show."

Now aside from the fact that I wish I had said something wittier, or perhaps even had exploded into some kind of intellectual hissy-fit, I am still at something of a loss for words for what I think has happened to America. We have out-legislated Darwinism. What ever happened to "that which does not kill us makes us stronger?" We actually have a public service announcement campaign here in Dallas (it's probably Texas-wide) that reminds people to CHECK FOR THEIR CHILDREN AS THEY EXIT THEIR VEHICLE. In my perfect world, under my rule, if you can't remember that the fruit of your loins is in the backseat as you pop in to the 7-Eleven for a pack of Parliaments, you not only surrender your right to watch foreign movies, you move to the front of the "take one for the gene pool" line.

Later that evening, our Eastern Entertainment theme took us to Benihanna's where I was again confronted with the lowest common denominator. The birthday party at the hibachi across from us was comprised of overweight ladies who'd been hitting the froo-froo drinks a little too hard. 1) They referred to the Japanese waiter as "the chinaman." 2) The birthday cow referred to the geisha-shaped souvenir mug as her "Buddha glass." And 3) one of them had brought along her pre-teen daughter, thus ensuring that at least one more generation will be brought up with the belief that getting stupid in public is acceptable behavior. Truly, someone needs to drop a chlorine tablet into the gene pool and kick start the filter.

"Hero," by the way, is an outstanding movie, even if the fight scene between the two chicks did remind me of a Bjork video. Think Rashamon meets Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. With an athletic, sword-wielding Bjork.