George Lucas: Hero, Fiend, Dark Lover

My affection for the Star Wars character Han Solo is well documented. Probably too well documented. Suffice it to say that my nipples explode with delight every time I think about the upcoming release of the Holy Trilogy on September 12th. In fact, I just pre-ordered all three at www.starwars.com this afternoon.

However, while trolling the site examining the upcoming figures to be released in time for Xmas (hint, hint), I stumbled across a special t-shirt commemorating the the brouhaha over the first of the redone (overdone) Originals. Go here to see the LucasArts version of the "Han Shot First" shirt. http://shop.starwars.com/catalog/product.xml?product_id=105047;category_id=306

Note that if you preorder a copy of the Trilogy, you get a "free" collectable card from Topps which outlines the Han v. Greedo debate. If you click on the second image, you can read the card. You get another limited edition card for ordering the shirt, but it's different. Like I don't have a shoebox full of the original Topps trading cards from when I was a child.

This brings up a problem for me: I already have a "Han Shot First" shirt from www.thinkgeek.com on the way (and a much less queer version, I might add). I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that all good and proper Star Wars geeks should pick up a shirt from ThinkGeek rather than LucasArts for the following reasons:

1. ThinkGeek marketed it first. Yes, I know the character belongs to George, and he has a right to reap the fruits of his labor; however, I assert that this is very much like W blaming Congress for underfunding his war when W is to blame for failing to forecast his funding needs. See my next point.
2. George is covering up what he must know is a mistake without actually admitting fault. There were some visually stunning effects added to the remade/o'erwrought versions of the Holy Trilogy, but there were some fuckups as well. Greedo shooting first is one example. For another example, why does Jabba look like a pre-lubed Japanese squeaky sex toy in Episode IV? The most basic lesson one learns when tinkering with Photoshop is that if you want digital horse cock that you superimposed upon an unfortunate photo of your college fuckbuddy dozing with her mouth open to look even sorta maybe realistic, you have to, for lack of a better term, 'crappify' the newer elements of the final photo. But I digress; George realizes his mistake, or at least his marketing execs do. While he is going to make a metric shitload of money off the Star Wars franchise over the course of his remaining years (presumably to go along with the 6 metric shitloads he has made already), I must urge the faithful to dink him a couple of demerits here, especially considering my next point.
3. George is milking the faithful without even the courtesy of warming his hands first. This is George calling us all 'bitches' in his best Dave-Chappelle-voice. This is George hearing the protests of the faithful, and now this is George turning those protests on their collective ear and making a buck.

So protest, my brethren and sistren. Maybe only Japanese tourists will be wearing the limited edition "Han Shot First" shirts at Disneyworld, and maybe you'll have to purchase the limited edition Topps Trading Card on eBay from some disgusting, live-action version of the comic book shop owner from the Simpsons, but George will have made one less buck from you, and you can hold up your head a little higher as you watch Greedo take it like a bitch without firing a shot the way that God, and George, meant it to be.

More like Satan or OJ?

(Spoken in my best impression of Ben Stein in "Ferris Beuller's Day Off"): Wow. Rove will not be indicted for Plamegate. Outrage. Surprise and outrage are the feelings coursing through my body as I type.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/06/13/AR2006061300267.html?referrer=email

When I was in elementary school, I used to go to a day care center after school called "Little Folks." By the time I was in the third grade, I was the oldest kid there, and I had a miniature posse that would trail behind me and do my bidding. In fact, I was really good about "suggesting" to other kids interesting things to do for our mutual entertainment. Inevitably, the other kids got in trouble while I remained scot free. I feel the occasional pang of guilt when I look back because I never really compensated those wee ones with anything more than the pleasure of my company. And now for my big question of the day:

Are any of the toddlers running with scissors for the Bush administration reaping any kind of benefit for their association with W?

Why GI Joe Doesn't Go on Leave Anymore

Since I'm in a mood to discuss toys, I'm thinking I need one of these for my GI Joe collection.

http://www.prankplace.com/turleen.htm

"Pour me a double; I'm drinking for two!"-Turleen

I wonder if there are action playsets for this doll, like:

• Turleen's RV
• Turleen's Tarot Reading and SnoCone Concession
• Planned Parenthood (with Realistic Exploding Front Door)
• 'Hair by Turleen' Beauty Salon Playset
• Turleen's Camaro
• Roy's Tattoo and Piercing

The Death of the Man who Invented Saturday Morning

This past Friday, Bernard Loomis, "The Man who Invented Saturday Morning," died of heart disease at age 82 in his home in Palm Beach Gardens, FL. From the late 1950s to the 1990s, Loomis forged a legendary record in toy marketing. He came up with the idea of making Saturday morning cartoons based on toys. Previously, the cartoons came first.

While some people believe this to be repugnant and point to the more blatant examples of kiddie commercialism in the 80s like "GI Joe" and "Jem" and "MASK," Loomis' first concept of this was a half-hour long show in 1969 that highlighted kids playing with Mattel's latest product, Hot Wheels.

His products included:

• The Six Million Dollar Man action figure (had two, first one chewed by Boston Terrier)
• The Bionic Woman (had one, er, to go with my Six Million Dollar Man. Shut up.)
• Hot Wheels (had many)
• Baby Alive (never had one, but the idea of a realistic doll that you feed a special formula that requires you to change its diaper later really appeals to me)
• Strawberry Shortcake (he conceived of this as a line of dolls, greeting cards, and a made for tv movie. I had the boy one that looked like Huck Finn because the girl next door had several. That's my story. Shut up.)
• Steve Scout, the official doll of the Boy Scouts of America (had one, but apparently this is one of Loomis' flops, like Duke the Wonder Dog.)
• the Star Wars line of toys

One amazing thing about the Star Wars line of toys is that he advised General Mills to pass on Spielberg's Close Encounters because it wasn't "toyetic," but opted on the Star Wars because the people in the movie wore costumes. (I remember the rubber and wire bendable/poseable grays put out by Mego[?] or some company like that. They sucked.) The movie was such a runaway hit that they pushed the release date for the toys to Christmas even though there was no way to physically produce the toys in time, so the man sold empty boxes with IOU's that promised to deliver the toys within the next couple of months. When the toys eventually arrived, the other kids who's parents hadn't fallen for the marketing ploy were clamoring for the cool toys their friends had, thus upping the Spring quarterly sales.

In 1988, he was the subject of the book title The Man Who Invented Saturday Morning, and Other Adventures in American Enterprise by David Owen.

I, for one, would like to pay my respect to the man that invented my childhood memories. Thank you, sweet Prince, and flights of Angels sing you to your rest.

My Geeky Little Heart Explodes with the Power of a 1000 Suns

I'm too giddy to type! The rumors are TRUE!!! September 12th!!! I have purpose in life again!

http://www.starwars.com/episode-iv/release/video/news20060503.html