George Lucas: Hero, Fiend, Dark Lover

My affection for the Star Wars character Han Solo is well documented. Probably too well documented. Suffice it to say that my nipples explode with delight every time I think about the upcoming release of the Holy Trilogy on September 12th. In fact, I just pre-ordered all three at www.starwars.com this afternoon.

However, while trolling the site examining the upcoming figures to be released in time for Xmas (hint, hint), I stumbled across a special t-shirt commemorating the the brouhaha over the first of the redone (overdone) Originals. Go here to see the LucasArts version of the "Han Shot First" shirt. http://shop.starwars.com/catalog/product.xml?product_id=105047;category_id=306

Note that if you preorder a copy of the Trilogy, you get a "free" collectable card from Topps which outlines the Han v. Greedo debate. If you click on the second image, you can read the card. You get another limited edition card for ordering the shirt, but it's different. Like I don't have a shoebox full of the original Topps trading cards from when I was a child.

This brings up a problem for me: I already have a "Han Shot First" shirt from www.thinkgeek.com on the way (and a much less queer version, I might add). I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that all good and proper Star Wars geeks should pick up a shirt from ThinkGeek rather than LucasArts for the following reasons:

1. ThinkGeek marketed it first. Yes, I know the character belongs to George, and he has a right to reap the fruits of his labor; however, I assert that this is very much like W blaming Congress for underfunding his war when W is to blame for failing to forecast his funding needs. See my next point.
2. George is covering up what he must know is a mistake without actually admitting fault. There were some visually stunning effects added to the remade/o'erwrought versions of the Holy Trilogy, but there were some fuckups as well. Greedo shooting first is one example. For another example, why does Jabba look like a pre-lubed Japanese squeaky sex toy in Episode IV? The most basic lesson one learns when tinkering with Photoshop is that if you want digital horse cock that you superimposed upon an unfortunate photo of your college fuckbuddy dozing with her mouth open to look even sorta maybe realistic, you have to, for lack of a better term, 'crappify' the newer elements of the final photo. But I digress; George realizes his mistake, or at least his marketing execs do. While he is going to make a metric shitload of money off the Star Wars franchise over the course of his remaining years (presumably to go along with the 6 metric shitloads he has made already), I must urge the faithful to dink him a couple of demerits here, especially considering my next point.
3. George is milking the faithful without even the courtesy of warming his hands first. This is George calling us all 'bitches' in his best Dave-Chappelle-voice. This is George hearing the protests of the faithful, and now this is George turning those protests on their collective ear and making a buck.

So protest, my brethren and sistren. Maybe only Japanese tourists will be wearing the limited edition "Han Shot First" shirts at Disneyworld, and maybe you'll have to purchase the limited edition Topps Trading Card on eBay from some disgusting, live-action version of the comic book shop owner from the Simpsons, but George will have made one less buck from you, and you can hold up your head a little higher as you watch Greedo take it like a bitch without firing a shot the way that God, and George, meant it to be.