Possessed Doll for sale on Ebay

I'm not making this up. Someone is selling a possessed doll on Ebay. Go here...

http://cgi.ebay.com/Haunted-Doll-GHOST-of-WITCH-GIVES-PSYCHIC-POWER-TO-SOUL_W0QQitemZ5629795050QQcategoryZ19270QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem#ebayphotohosting

I have nothing overly witty to add.

Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?

Happy Halloween.

Stay on Target

My good friend and fellow heathen points out to me that my mud hut isn't as deep in the Dork Forest as initial findings reported. I have been trumped by Accordian Guy in reporting the passing of Jek Porkins (actually Bill Hootkins). The man has had quite a career, may he rest in peace.

http://accordionguy.blogware.com/blog/_archives/2005/10/27/1325669.html

This is so much funnier...

...now that Harriet Miers has dropped out.

http://www.bustedtees.com/shirts/pedro

She is probably a really nice lady.

Dept. of Games That Make Me Jump

Currently playing Doom 3 on the Xbox. I know it's been out for a while, but that's some spooky gameplay. It reminds me of the second Resident Evil game. The first one wasn't so scary because you could see everything coming, and third installment was just too long, but the second Resident Evil game scared me so bad I had to stop playing.

I was walking down a corridor that I had passed through a couple of times when all of a sudden arms burst through a window, grabbed my character and shook him. I dropped the controller and farted, but I was so wigged out that I wasn't sure if I'd ONLY farted; I took the opportunity to take a break and check my boxers. When I came back, I decided to turn off the game.

Last night, I woke up from a really bizarre dream that involved me being in a Fight Club going up against Doom 3 characters. I should probably lay off this business before I actually do poop my pants.

Fuck Tennessee

I officialy, for the record, hate Tennessee, both the trade school in Knoxville and the state in general. After a gut-wrenching, scoreless three quarters, Alabama scored, Tennessee scored, then Alabama scored and won.

Bama 6, Vols 3.

Fuck you, Fulmer. Fuck you with a knotted hemp line.

There. I feel better now.

How to Shit-Can Someone

The nanny that my wife hired is getting snippy. In spite of this lady's otherwise sterling service record, it's about time to let her go. I, of course, would prefer we charge her for all the food her fat-assed daughter nicked from our pantry, but my wife is more polite than me. My wife needs to have a "talk" with the nanny tomorrow, and she's not very comfortable with the idea of potentially firing this lady. With good reason, mind you: we need her services. On the other hand, she needs someone to pay her Social Security benefits.

For anyone and everyone more sensitive than me, I offer my Official Field Guide on How to Shit-Can Someone. I've had to fire several malcontents in my day, and while I can't honestly say I ever acquired a "taste" for it, I had always been able to psyche myself into boss-mode. Here's how I thought my way into it:

1. You've got what they want: gainful employ. If the asshole you need to fire has already secured other gainful employ, then he or she is wasting everyone's time because there's nothing to talk about. The only thing better than gainful employ is gainful unemploy. Never let them get unemployment.
2. Let him have the last word. Talk is cheap, cheaper than titles, and if he wants to tell you off, let him. Then document it all so that when the Unemployment Commission calls, you can offer evidence that the malcontent left of his or her own accord. The buzzwords to remember are "j-o-b... a-b-a-n-d-o-n-m-e-n-t."
3. Remember, he or she didn't "lose" the job. It's still there; it's just that someone else is doing it, or will be doing it.
4. If you're having the "Come to Jesus" talk with an employee, he or she has done something wrong. Don't apologize. Apologies are for former employees hoping to get their jobs back.

I sincerely hope that my brief foray into the world of corporate politics has helped. Furthermore, I wish anyone and everyone the best of luck in firing your first employee!

The Dallas Police are Free to Verify This Response

We have a proposal on the table from the Dallas Police called "Verified Response." Essentially, it boils down to the age-old question: if your house alarm goes off and no one is around to verify it, will the Dallas Five-O show up? "Verified Response" answers that question: no.

Verified Response is a program wherein the Dallas' Police Department will only show up if there is a third party physically on-site to verify that, yep, there's a crime going on. Under this plan, the dispatcher will not send a car if the third party calling is a security company. They would, however, come a-running if someone set off the "panic button" in the home.

My wife and I arm the alarm every night before we go to bed. If I'm out of town, she arms it as soon as the dogs come in for the night. Let's just say, Heaven forbid, some masked thug breaks in and prevents her from reaching the alarm; because she doesn't get the chance to hit the panic button, the Dallas police will ignore the distress call. This is a load of unmitigated horse shit.

The Dallas po-po cite stats that show that 97.2% of all house alarms are false. That means that 60,100 calls out of 62,000 per year are false, but this outright ignores the fact that 1,900 are real distress calls. I'm sorry if that means that you have to check out a couple of false calls, but check them all out. Charge me a fine if it's a false alarm (why do they not already do that?). Hell, I'll pay the officers that show up and offer a heartfelt apology for wasting their time as long as they actually show up.

The stats that the DPS cites show that they would save an average of two (2) minutes on response time. Two fucking minutes when their average response time is twenty? If they're going to emphasize percentages, then why aren't they claiming to be 10% faster as a result of the change? The answer is ten percent is a drop in the bucket when someone's life is being radically altered for the worse. Two minutes is palpable; ten percent is the difference between getting an "F" or an "F+" for response time. "We're sorry your family lost everything of value in your home, and the rest of the place was ransacked, but we would have arrived there 10% faster than before had we actually shown up!"

And what about that fee that I pay every year to register my alarm? Do I really need to be officially registered for you to ignore my alarm? Perhaps if I don't register my alarm, police officers might be dispatched to my home to write me a ticket, then they can catch the criminals in the act!

But what, pray tell, do they spend their time investigating? Elvis' missing shirt. Elvis' missing shirt gets CSI: Dallas to show up within 24 hours, but my neighbor's mugging in her own damned gargage gets settled over a voice mail hotline.

http://www.dfw.com/mld/dfw/news/local/12884726.htm

Hey, Chief Kunkle! I've got a lot of Star Wars memorabilia in my house. Just go ahead and assume that all of my alarm calls are threats to my Carrie Fisher shrine. Maybe if they officers show up under 18 minutes, I'll let them touch my wookie...

Dept. of Trust No One

Has it occurred to anyone else but me that this whole anti-Miers on the part of the Right smacks of reverse psychology?

When I was a little kid, my mom had a lot of trouble getting me to go to bed. She has always been a little woman, so picking me up when I was four or five years old and full of resistance was not an easy proposition. So my mom, clever and resourceful little woman that she is, would challenge me to a race to see who could get to my bed first. Naturally, I would win the race, and mom would bid me a fond good-night, mission accomplished.

So now we're faced with this Miers Situation with no Mr. Wolfe in sight to help us get rid of the dead nigger in the garage. Wait, sorry, I'm mixing allusions.

So now we're faced with this Miers Situation, and the Right is wailing and gnashing their teeth over what a disappointment, Cheerios having been thouroughly pissed upon, their Dream crushed, blah blah blah. Bush, meanwhile, keeps repeating that he knows her, she's a good woman, I've got her in my pocket (well, he hasn't really said that, but he probably will eventually). So the question becomes: do we really want to race the Right to get her into the Supreme Court?

And if we stiff-arm this nominee, who in all honesty is probably just as qualified as I am to be in the highest court in the nation, what will we be offered next?