How to Shit-Can Someone

The nanny that my wife hired is getting snippy. In spite of this lady's otherwise sterling service record, it's about time to let her go. I, of course, would prefer we charge her for all the food her fat-assed daughter nicked from our pantry, but my wife is more polite than me. My wife needs to have a "talk" with the nanny tomorrow, and she's not very comfortable with the idea of potentially firing this lady. With good reason, mind you: we need her services. On the other hand, she needs someone to pay her Social Security benefits.

For anyone and everyone more sensitive than me, I offer my Official Field Guide on How to Shit-Can Someone. I've had to fire several malcontents in my day, and while I can't honestly say I ever acquired a "taste" for it, I had always been able to psyche myself into boss-mode. Here's how I thought my way into it:

1. You've got what they want: gainful employ. If the asshole you need to fire has already secured other gainful employ, then he or she is wasting everyone's time because there's nothing to talk about. The only thing better than gainful employ is gainful unemploy. Never let them get unemployment.
2. Let him have the last word. Talk is cheap, cheaper than titles, and if he wants to tell you off, let him. Then document it all so that when the Unemployment Commission calls, you can offer evidence that the malcontent left of his or her own accord. The buzzwords to remember are "j-o-b... a-b-a-n-d-o-n-m-e-n-t."
3. Remember, he or she didn't "lose" the job. It's still there; it's just that someone else is doing it, or will be doing it.
4. If you're having the "Come to Jesus" talk with an employee, he or she has done something wrong. Don't apologize. Apologies are for former employees hoping to get their jobs back.

I sincerely hope that my brief foray into the world of corporate politics has helped. Furthermore, I wish anyone and everyone the best of luck in firing your first employee!