"What Happens When a Death Occurs"

So yesterday evening, I was watching "Birdcage" (don't ask, I won't tell) on some alternate local channel, and a commercial for the Neptune Society came on. It was kind of a creepy commercial, aggressively hawking cremation as the only way to go when you go. They offered a web-site, and I visited:

http://www.neptunesociety.com/

There is a hotbutton for a section called "What Happens When a Death Occurs." I thought to myself, "Sweet! The answers to the Universe!" Oh, how wrong I was. Essentially, they offer to pick up the newly departed and take them to a private morgue where they submit the appropriate paperwork to the officials (see below). I must warn you, this is a seriously creepy web-site, and while they are a less of a society and more of a legitimate funeral business, the following bit seems, well, downright sardonic:

"A death certificate is required by law and is completed by the Neptune Society with the necessary information provided by the family. This certificate will be delivered to the physician and medical examiner for the listing of the official cause of death* and the required legal signatures. The Neptune Society has little, if any, control over the length of time necessary for these signatures to be obtained. Autopsies and medical records may delay signatures by physicians and medical examiners. Permits for cremation can not be obtained until the medical authorities provide these signatures." *(Empahsis is my own, not on their site.)

They say that the cremation process takes 5-7 days, but can be inconveniently delayed when "local, state or federal agencies, police, county coroners, or medical examiners become involved and investigate the circumstances surrounding a death."

A quick note to anyone who might be investigating my death: if anyone is inconvenienced by your investigation because it is delyaing my cremation, HE OR SHE DID IT!