I Likes My Women Like I Likes My Coffee... Bitter

When I was a little kid growing up in Virginia, there was a chain of family-style restaurants called Sambo's. The first Sambo's hit the Peninsula when I was about 5 or 6. As a name, Sambo's lasted about two or three years. Whether it was bought out or sued into submission, Sambo's eventually changed its name to Denny's. Of the two names, I initially thought that Denny's was by far more lame, but I was a kid, reluctant to change by nature, blah blah blah. That was the 70's. I've since learned that the amusing children's book my grandmother read to me as an infant contained some objectionable themes, and that places of business should probably be sensitive to the public at large, especially in the South.

Is it just me? Am I living in some kind of Southern Apologist's haze here? Do I just feel the White Man's Burden more acutely than my peers?

I went to a Dairy Queen in McKinney, Texas, this evening with my bride, my child, my parents and my in-laws. I saw a prominantly displayed sign that made me wonder if the NAACP had yet to be notified.

Dairy Queen has introduced a new line of frosty coffee treat called the MooLatte. No shit, I am not making this up. Go here:

http://www.dairyqueen.com/en-US/Now+Featuring/DQHome.htm

Hey, DQ! There's no fucking way you can play that off as some other word. Good luck in litigation.

Wonder Woman's Golden Lasso Makes Me Tingle

When I was 5 years old, staring at Ms. Carter on the small screen of my parents' television set, I didn't actually understand the reason why I enjoyed the running scenes as much as I did. Suffice it to say I really enjoyed the running scenes. The jumping scenes were pretty good, but for my money, there was nothing better than Lynda Carter tearing around a corner and coming to a quick stop.

Of course in almost every episode that I can recall, Wonder Woman was knocked out cold by a thug with a rag soaked in chloroform. Then she was chained to something, usually explosive, and so there was always the obligatory shot of Ms. Carter with her arms bound above her head, eyes closed, red lips slightly parted....

My friends, Wonder Woman was specifically created to appeal to a five-year-old boy's latent bondage fetish. A Harvard-trained psychologist named Dr. William Moulton Marsten adopted the pseudonym "Charles Moulton" and wrote the intial comic series with bondage fantasies in mind. I refer you to the following website: http://www.uky.edu/Projects/Chemcomics/html/ww_21_cov.html

Amusingly enough, the fellow from the University of Kentucky who runs this site also has an interactive "Periodic Table of Comic Books." http://www.uky.edu/Projects/Chemcomics/index.html#table Select any square, and he will tell you which Golden Age issues mention that element as a plot device. Brilliant.

An American in New Delhi

So yesterday, I was stuck on the tech support line, trying to switch from Prodigy.Net to SBC Global. Not that big a deal, all things considered; SBC/Yahoo owns Prodigy, so it was like going from Pizza Hut to Pepsico. Anyway, I'm on the phone, humming "I Like to Move It, Move it" to myself (Madagascar = funny movie) when "Kate" comes on the line. Nice lady, "Kate," very helpful about the whole switching thing, but her accent sounded like she could have fit in nicely as the Queen of the Lemurs in the aforementioned movie.

Well, there was a limit to her field of expertise, so she very kindly transferred me to another fellow named "John" or something to that effect. He answered my question very politely, another very friendly employee at that place SBC. I hung up satisfied, my questions fulfilled, and then it hit me: he had an East Texas drawl!

Now, there are several possibilities here, and taking out Occam's shaving kit we find that most likely SBC Global just happens to employ a person of Central Asian descent at their technical support center. A more liberal interpretation would allow that, in the course of being outsourced, an American moved to New Delhi and currently answers phones there. However, not being one to pass up a good conspiracy theory, I offer the following: savvy Indian graduates are taking voice lessons in an effort to appease the prejudices of Americans who by and large prefer hearing a redneck answer their tech questions to a "furinner."

Have a nice day.

The Poseidon Adventure 2000 or Get Set to Get Wet!

Went to the movies and learned of a Poseidon Adventure remake in the works. Of course, this begs the question: Why can't Hollywood create any more?

Anyway, with UFOs on the brain I've learned of an all new reason to get PADI certified. The Mutual UFO Network, or MUFON, the group dedicated to the scientific study of UFOs for the benefit of Humanity, are getting up a Dive Team.

Check them out at http://www.mufon.com/ . I'm sure they'd love to have you aboard. Don't forget to download and fill out the .pdf liability waiver.

One Giant Step on Mankind.

So, it's been a while. Mea culpa. I've been logging some hard-core hours on the Xbox, utterly damaging my synapses as well as my posture. However, I have found the funniest game I've ever played: Destroy All Humans. Take every bad 50's sci-fi flick, add a dash of 21st century angst, and you're ready to anally probe some monkeys.

http://www.destroyallhumansgame.com/

I know, I know, "what about Duke Nukem?" When that game first hit the shelves, I realize that I proclaimed it the funniest game ever, but that was then. Don't make me quote Emerson's "Self Reliance." I believed it then as strongly as I now believe this one to be really, really funny. Showed it to my friend, Mike the Cop. He went out and bought it. It's that funny.

And quite entertaining. It took me almost a week to finish. I kept trying to find all of the probes. Still haven't found them. Must... avoid... urge... to... return....

Aw, heck, who am I kidding? I'm going back to the game in a few minutes.