New for your iPod... it's iCheat!!!

Wedging Cliff's Notes into your copy of The Scarlet Letter to take with you to the open-book essay exam just got a whole lot easier.

Introducing iPREPpress at http://ipreppress.com/Pages/studyguides.htm where, for only $4.95, you can download an entire copy of a Sparknotes study guide to your iPod.

At the moment, there are only eleven, only two of which are Shakespeare plays, but in the "Coming Soon" section we learn that the entire Sparknotes library is to be added. I can't help but think that this is a bad idea. We already have a blurring of the lines between scholarship and plagiarism with hypertext links. It's not cheating, Prof. Thrasher; it's an immediate form of citation wherein I link the original online text that I cut and pasted into my paper. There are already a few Universities in the US that do not accept hardcopies of papers and insist that students insert hypertext links to their sources. MLA Guide? We don't need no stinkin' MLA Guide. With iPREPpress, a student can now surrepticiously bring to bear ev'erything he or she might need to have on deck for the win.

Of course, the simple answer to this problem is to allow no form of electronic device into the testing environment. Sure, that's what CollegeBoard does, but the iPod has already wormed its way into the culture, not unlike the Sony Walkman of the '80's, such that the little white wires trailing down from the ears has become ubiquitous. What the hell? It's just a little vocabulary quiz. If listening to music while he tests helps him to focus, why that's because his learning style is auditory in nature; therefore, to remove the very focusing device for him would be no less a crime than taking an AlphaSmart from a special ed. kid. This is the slippery slope that we now tread: to say no electronic devices are allowed in the classroom is foolish, especially when teachers are evaluated based on their ability to integrate technology. Toward the bottom of this perilous downward spiral is allowing students their iPods.

Are we enabling cheaters? In a world where somewhere around a quarter to a third of high school seniors and entering freshmen do not believe a little bit of cheating is bad, am I turning into a Luddite?

By the way, smooches to the Apple propeller-heads for the iPod. I just got one for Christmas (at long last), and the musical clarity is A-MAZING!

Silent Night

"Silent Night" is, hands down, my favorite Christmas Carol. On Christmas Eve, 1914, peace broke out for a day during World War One when British troops overheard German troops singing "Stille Nacht,"recognized the tune, and began singing "Silent Night" along with them. British and German troops up and down the hideous gash that was the frontline put down their guns, walked out into No-Man's Land, and celebrated the better aspects of mankind.

I don't have anything political to point out here, and I certainly don't think this kind of thing can happen today (it only happened once in WWI), but I would like to say this: whether you go Christmas shopping or Holiday shopping, just remember that folks are folks. Appreciate your folks, and have a good version of whatever the heck you celebrate this time of year.

English Major Comedy

Okay, so my good friend and fellow Heathen Chet has posted something about "Bikini Calculus" on Heathen Central. For those of you with actual interest in figuring out the stress co-efficient of a string bikini, this may or may not be your cup of tea. http://www.howtodogirls.com/

Basically, it's poorly made video footage of women in skimpy clothing "teaching" calculus. Accordian Guy blogged it first on his site. http://accordionguy.blogware.com/blog/_archives/2005/12/7/1439356.html

He comments that he doubts that the women have any idea what they're reading off of the teleprompter, but another guy points us toward Paige's bio which claims her as a Master's grad from MIT. http://www.howtodogirls.com/girls/Paige/stats.php

Now, for the English majors in the house who lingered this long looking for the English major joke, I refer you to the "What's your favorite preposition?" section of her bio: she says "but" is her favorite, but she uses "but" as a conjunction in the example she offers.

Stupid bitch.

Dept. of Please Don't Let This Be a Come-on

This was put together by one of my high school students and a couple of his friends. I forbear to speculate as to their motives. On one level, this is possibly one of the gayest (and yes, I do mean homosexual) things I've ever seen. On the other hand, it is a very well put together home video.

I hope you enjoy. http://media.putfile.com/humpzilla

Dept. of Hi-fookin-larryus

Rec'd a video by email this afternoon that made me laugh out loud and go to this guy's fookin website. http://www.thekidfrombrooklyn.com/

I highly recommend the "Bat Day" video, which is the one that was sent to me first. NSFW unless you work somewhere where you can say "fook" out loud a lot.

Oh well... Steers 'n Queers

Texas has joined the ranks of US States That Ignore Civil Liberties.

http://www.dallasnews.com/

What is truly galling is that majority of the people that supported this thing consider themselves patriots for infringing the rights of their fellow citizens. What is truly aggravating is that the "victory" party sponsored by Kelly "Closet Ass Rapist" Shackelford* was held at a Baptist Church in Austin, inferring that my particular flavor of Christianity openly endorses hatred of certain people. What is truly pathetic is that even though it doesn't really change anything in Texas, 77% of Texans who voted found Homosexual Love frightening enough to alter their state constitution.

Afraid of the Mexican Army? No way. Afraid of terrorists? Pshaw. Afraid of Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave? Apparently so. This totally calls into question that whole iconographic Texan Bad-Ass thing.

*Whether or not Shackelford is actually a pillow-biting Sodomite is unknown by the author; however, the rumor exists, and as a simple reporter it isn't actually my place to confirm or deny allegations concerning a public figure's character.

"What Happens When a Death Occurs"

So yesterday evening, I was watching "Birdcage" (don't ask, I won't tell) on some alternate local channel, and a commercial for the Neptune Society came on. It was kind of a creepy commercial, aggressively hawking cremation as the only way to go when you go. They offered a web-site, and I visited:

http://www.neptunesociety.com/

There is a hotbutton for a section called "What Happens When a Death Occurs." I thought to myself, "Sweet! The answers to the Universe!" Oh, how wrong I was. Essentially, they offer to pick up the newly departed and take them to a private morgue where they submit the appropriate paperwork to the officials (see below). I must warn you, this is a seriously creepy web-site, and while they are a less of a society and more of a legitimate funeral business, the following bit seems, well, downright sardonic:

"A death certificate is required by law and is completed by the Neptune Society with the necessary information provided by the family. This certificate will be delivered to the physician and medical examiner for the listing of the official cause of death* and the required legal signatures. The Neptune Society has little, if any, control over the length of time necessary for these signatures to be obtained. Autopsies and medical records may delay signatures by physicians and medical examiners. Permits for cremation can not be obtained until the medical authorities provide these signatures." *(Empahsis is my own, not on their site.)

They say that the cremation process takes 5-7 days, but can be inconveniently delayed when "local, state or federal agencies, police, county coroners, or medical examiners become involved and investigate the circumstances surrounding a death."

A quick note to anyone who might be investigating my death: if anyone is inconvenienced by your investigation because it is delyaing my cremation, HE OR SHE DID IT!

Possessed Doll for sale on Ebay

I'm not making this up. Someone is selling a possessed doll on Ebay. Go here...

http://cgi.ebay.com/Haunted-Doll-GHOST-of-WITCH-GIVES-PSYCHIC-POWER-TO-SOUL_W0QQitemZ5629795050QQcategoryZ19270QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem#ebayphotohosting

I have nothing overly witty to add.

Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?

Happy Halloween.

Stay on Target

My good friend and fellow heathen points out to me that my mud hut isn't as deep in the Dork Forest as initial findings reported. I have been trumped by Accordian Guy in reporting the passing of Jek Porkins (actually Bill Hootkins). The man has had quite a career, may he rest in peace.

http://accordionguy.blogware.com/blog/_archives/2005/10/27/1325669.html

This is so much funnier...

...now that Harriet Miers has dropped out.

http://www.bustedtees.com/shirts/pedro

She is probably a really nice lady.

Dept. of Games That Make Me Jump

Currently playing Doom 3 on the Xbox. I know it's been out for a while, but that's some spooky gameplay. It reminds me of the second Resident Evil game. The first one wasn't so scary because you could see everything coming, and third installment was just too long, but the second Resident Evil game scared me so bad I had to stop playing.

I was walking down a corridor that I had passed through a couple of times when all of a sudden arms burst through a window, grabbed my character and shook him. I dropped the controller and farted, but I was so wigged out that I wasn't sure if I'd ONLY farted; I took the opportunity to take a break and check my boxers. When I came back, I decided to turn off the game.

Last night, I woke up from a really bizarre dream that involved me being in a Fight Club going up against Doom 3 characters. I should probably lay off this business before I actually do poop my pants.

Fuck Tennessee

I officialy, for the record, hate Tennessee, both the trade school in Knoxville and the state in general. After a gut-wrenching, scoreless three quarters, Alabama scored, Tennessee scored, then Alabama scored and won.

Bama 6, Vols 3.

Fuck you, Fulmer. Fuck you with a knotted hemp line.

There. I feel better now.

How to Shit-Can Someone

The nanny that my wife hired is getting snippy. In spite of this lady's otherwise sterling service record, it's about time to let her go. I, of course, would prefer we charge her for all the food her fat-assed daughter nicked from our pantry, but my wife is more polite than me. My wife needs to have a "talk" with the nanny tomorrow, and she's not very comfortable with the idea of potentially firing this lady. With good reason, mind you: we need her services. On the other hand, she needs someone to pay her Social Security benefits.

For anyone and everyone more sensitive than me, I offer my Official Field Guide on How to Shit-Can Someone. I've had to fire several malcontents in my day, and while I can't honestly say I ever acquired a "taste" for it, I had always been able to psyche myself into boss-mode. Here's how I thought my way into it:

1. You've got what they want: gainful employ. If the asshole you need to fire has already secured other gainful employ, then he or she is wasting everyone's time because there's nothing to talk about. The only thing better than gainful employ is gainful unemploy. Never let them get unemployment.
2. Let him have the last word. Talk is cheap, cheaper than titles, and if he wants to tell you off, let him. Then document it all so that when the Unemployment Commission calls, you can offer evidence that the malcontent left of his or her own accord. The buzzwords to remember are "j-o-b... a-b-a-n-d-o-n-m-e-n-t."
3. Remember, he or she didn't "lose" the job. It's still there; it's just that someone else is doing it, or will be doing it.
4. If you're having the "Come to Jesus" talk with an employee, he or she has done something wrong. Don't apologize. Apologies are for former employees hoping to get their jobs back.

I sincerely hope that my brief foray into the world of corporate politics has helped. Furthermore, I wish anyone and everyone the best of luck in firing your first employee!

The Dallas Police are Free to Verify This Response

We have a proposal on the table from the Dallas Police called "Verified Response." Essentially, it boils down to the age-old question: if your house alarm goes off and no one is around to verify it, will the Dallas Five-O show up? "Verified Response" answers that question: no.

Verified Response is a program wherein the Dallas' Police Department will only show up if there is a third party physically on-site to verify that, yep, there's a crime going on. Under this plan, the dispatcher will not send a car if the third party calling is a security company. They would, however, come a-running if someone set off the "panic button" in the home.

My wife and I arm the alarm every night before we go to bed. If I'm out of town, she arms it as soon as the dogs come in for the night. Let's just say, Heaven forbid, some masked thug breaks in and prevents her from reaching the alarm; because she doesn't get the chance to hit the panic button, the Dallas police will ignore the distress call. This is a load of unmitigated horse shit.

The Dallas po-po cite stats that show that 97.2% of all house alarms are false. That means that 60,100 calls out of 62,000 per year are false, but this outright ignores the fact that 1,900 are real distress calls. I'm sorry if that means that you have to check out a couple of false calls, but check them all out. Charge me a fine if it's a false alarm (why do they not already do that?). Hell, I'll pay the officers that show up and offer a heartfelt apology for wasting their time as long as they actually show up.

The stats that the DPS cites show that they would save an average of two (2) minutes on response time. Two fucking minutes when their average response time is twenty? If they're going to emphasize percentages, then why aren't they claiming to be 10% faster as a result of the change? The answer is ten percent is a drop in the bucket when someone's life is being radically altered for the worse. Two minutes is palpable; ten percent is the difference between getting an "F" or an "F+" for response time. "We're sorry your family lost everything of value in your home, and the rest of the place was ransacked, but we would have arrived there 10% faster than before had we actually shown up!"

And what about that fee that I pay every year to register my alarm? Do I really need to be officially registered for you to ignore my alarm? Perhaps if I don't register my alarm, police officers might be dispatched to my home to write me a ticket, then they can catch the criminals in the act!

But what, pray tell, do they spend their time investigating? Elvis' missing shirt. Elvis' missing shirt gets CSI: Dallas to show up within 24 hours, but my neighbor's mugging in her own damned gargage gets settled over a voice mail hotline.

http://www.dfw.com/mld/dfw/news/local/12884726.htm

Hey, Chief Kunkle! I've got a lot of Star Wars memorabilia in my house. Just go ahead and assume that all of my alarm calls are threats to my Carrie Fisher shrine. Maybe if they officers show up under 18 minutes, I'll let them touch my wookie...

Dept. of Trust No One

Has it occurred to anyone else but me that this whole anti-Miers on the part of the Right smacks of reverse psychology?

When I was a little kid, my mom had a lot of trouble getting me to go to bed. She has always been a little woman, so picking me up when I was four or five years old and full of resistance was not an easy proposition. So my mom, clever and resourceful little woman that she is, would challenge me to a race to see who could get to my bed first. Naturally, I would win the race, and mom would bid me a fond good-night, mission accomplished.

So now we're faced with this Miers Situation with no Mr. Wolfe in sight to help us get rid of the dead nigger in the garage. Wait, sorry, I'm mixing allusions.

So now we're faced with this Miers Situation, and the Right is wailing and gnashing their teeth over what a disappointment, Cheerios having been thouroughly pissed upon, their Dream crushed, blah blah blah. Bush, meanwhile, keeps repeating that he knows her, she's a good woman, I've got her in my pocket (well, he hasn't really said that, but he probably will eventually). So the question becomes: do we really want to race the Right to get her into the Supreme Court?

And if we stiff-arm this nominee, who in all honesty is probably just as qualified as I am to be in the highest court in the nation, what will we be offered next?

Vote No for Texas HJR6 Nov. 8th

A 'conservative Christian' friend of mine sent me the following chain-e-mail today:

FOR TEXANS - VOTE YES for the HJR6 on NOV. 8th - Please Read:
> If you get this and you are not a Texan-please forward it onto people
>who are Texans and encourage them to go to the polls and VOTE on Nov.
>8. And other states need to watch for this. This is how Roe V. Wade
>got voted in-Christians were complacent and didn't realize what was
>going on-and being voted on. SO PLEASE MARK YOUR CALENDARS-and go vote
>on NOV. 8!!! HJR 6 - Will be on the November 8, 2005 Ballot
>
>Please forward this email to every Christian that you know. It is
>important that the Christian voters of Texas speak loud and clear in
>November, by SUPPORTING and voting YES to HJR 6. Of course you may be
>wondering why you have not heard of this proposed amendment before? The
>answer is simple. There is a grassroots effort in our Texas gay
>communities to keep conservatives in the dark. Since there will not be
>any big elections this November, the probability of people getting out
>to vote are slim. The gay community is planning to use our complacency
>against us. While we are not voting, they will be!
>
>Please encourage everyone you know, to get out and vote on November
>8th, in support of HJR 6. Educate your friends, family, and church
>members on the content of this amendment. I have enclosed a summary. We
>as Christians and as Texans need to send a message once and for all.
>While researching this amendment, the websites against it far
>outnumbered the ones in support of it. That is what prompted me to
>write. Pass this along. PRAY!!! that the believers in Texas will rise
>up to vote in support of this resolution. ACT!!! We are in need of
>Christians to educate the community of HJR-6.

I replied as follows:

Mike,

I was really disappointed by this email, Mike. In addition to it being flat-out hateful, I kept looking for the punch-line-that-never-came. Besides, I’m already married. How does this threaten me? If homosexual couples want to engage in:

-insurance benefits
-the ability to visit each other in the hospital
-the ability to write a binding will
-the almighty tax break for breeders
-monogamy
-shared bills
-laundry
-bitchy arguments over how to fold the laundry
-why don’t you take out the trash for a change
-I don’t want another damned cat
-your dog ate the drapes
-who is this whore that keeps calling you late at night
-I’m going to my mother’s house, you evil bastard
-etc

…then why not let them? Maybe they wouldn’t be so “gay” if they got that little taste of eternity called marriage.

Thanks for reminding me to vote, though. I’ve already marked my calendar, and I intend to forward this message to all of my friends who live by the tenets of the Judeo-Christian faith as opposed to people I know that claim to act like Christians.

One more thing, rather than worrying about who is marrying whom, let’s address the issues that really destroy marriages like Vegas weddings, no-fault divorces, child abuse, spousal abuse, etc.

See you at church, tomorrow,
Aloysius

My Daughter's Halloween Costume

Go here:

http://shop.starwars.com/catalog/product.xml?product_id=2702;category_id=332;pcid1=;pcid2=

I am an inveterate nerd. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.

RIP Little Buddy

Sigh.

Actor Bob Denver, knownfor his role as Gilligan of "Gilligan's Island" and Maynard G. Krebs of "The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis," died this past Friday at age 70.

I really liked "Gilligan's Island," and still do. Of course, my favorite character is Professor Roy Hinkley. Russell Johnson is still alive as far as I can tell. Dawn Wells and Tina Louise (Mary Ann and Ginger) are still alive, too. Mr. Howell (Jim Backus) died in '89, the Skipper (Alan Hale) died in '90, and Mrs. Howell (Natalie Schafer) died in '91. Charles Maxwell, the voice on the radio, died in '93.

I'm going to go watch some television now.

GAAAAAAAH!

Week two of the school year, and already I jeopardize my job. Why do I do it? Must be the way my asshole puckers when I get these kind of messages from my students:

"hello mrbosch.

i am working on my hitler speech research
and dear lord.
he made tons and tons and tons of speeches.
i was wondering if you had any insight on
perhaps his best one for me to start off on.

your favourite 7th period student
Leah zeppelin."

It's worth pointing out that she sent that message to me through the school district's website, the one that is regularly scrutinized for inappropriate content.

My response was strictly PC, naturally. I warned her about historical apologists and spooky websites that pretended to be unbiased. I don't really know that much at all about Nazis aside from their tendecy toward being limp-dicked goat-fuckers. I suppose I should be honored that she came to me for help with the assumption that I knew about all things rhetorical.

Pardon me, now. I'm going to go sit somewhere quiet and attempt to get over my shuddering case of the jibblies.

700 lb. Xmas Gifts

Penguin Classics has released, via Amazon.com, their Complete Library. For a mere $7989.50, you can have delivered for free your new library of 1,082 titles. That's a savings of over $5k off the cover price! And the shipping's FREE!!! According to NPR, they've sold 10 so far.

Unfortunately, some true classics did not make the cut due to copyright laws. For example, The Great Gatsby and all of the Faulkner novels did not make it because the respective estates still hold the rights to publication. However, there are a lot of really neat novels on the list. As an English teacher, it's fun to peruse the list and realize that, dang, I actually did read a lot of stuff in school.

Now if I could recall it all....

NPR coverage here: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4814140
And ordering info here: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0147503078/qid=1124942195/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/102-8710987-4254511?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

What did you do with Chet?

Okay, so I just now tried to go to my good friend Chet's website, miscellaneousheathen.com , but I got some photographer's website instead. Sticking a www in front of it says that the site is FORBIDDEN!

Strange things are afoot in Houston.

Where is the Central Scrutinizer when we need him?

The following message was forwarded to me by my school's librarian. I'm still trying to decide whether or not she forwarded it to me as a joke:

Dear Teacher,

With the generous help of our donors and your local businesses, the Ayn Rand Institute is providing free classroom sets of Ayn Rand's novels, Anthem and The Fountainhead, along with teacher's guides and lesson plans, to high schools in the US and Canada.

Anthem tells of a dark world of the future, a society so collectivized that even the word "I" has vanished from the language and one man’s defiance of that society. Anthem’s theme is: the meaning and glory of man’s ego. Anthem is appropriate for grades 9 and 10.

The Fountainhead is the story of an innovative, uncompromisingly independent architect, Howard Roark, and his battle against a tradition-worshipping society. Its theme is "individualism versus collectivism, not in politics, but in man’s soul." Ayn Rand presented here for the first time her projection of an ideal man. The Fountainhead is appropriate for grades 11 and 12.

If you are a teacher, and you would like to take advantage of this wonderful opportunity to teach Ayn Rand's novels in your classroom, please visit http://www.aynrand.org/education_classroom_books and complete our online form.

Forward to a Friend

Marilee Dragsdahl
Education Department Manager
The Ayn Rand Institute
2121 Alton Parkway, Suite 250
Irvine, CA 92606
Phone: (949) 222-6550 ext. 209
Fax: (949) 222-6558

There's a Scientologist Celebrity Centre here in Dallas. http://www.scientology-ccdallas.org/ I bet they'd be willing to send me a free class set, too. The only catch to getting free copies from the Randroids is that I actually have to teach the material if they send it to me.

A little bit of Googling has dredged up some lesson plans on Intelligent Design from these kind pseudo-scientists: http://www.rael.org/

Perhaps I could offer my students the connection between science of Yoga, the theology of all major religions, and the mysteries of UFOs? http://www.aetherius.org/

Interestingly enough, the founders of Unarius bring up the age-old AP essay question: why are whack-jobs always famous people in previous lives?

• "...Ruth Norman (Uriel) is of a vast development, a Universal Radiant Infinite Eternal Light. She has long worked for the benefit of mankind, by the side of Raphiel and others of the Unarius Brotherhood, throughout many, many lifetimes of great significance in the history of Earth and other worlds. Her previous lifetimes, as Socrates, Peter the Great, Charlemagne, Queen Elizabeth I, [ed. emphasis added] and Queen Maria Theresa have shaped the future for many countries--all a part of a one-million year progressive plan for the healing of mankind on Earth, which was set in motion by the Spiritual Hierarchy of the Unarius Brotherhood. Her inspirational example continued through her lives as Hatshepsut, Akbar of India, Quetzalcoatl, Atahualpa--the last Inca of Peru, and many others... Perhaps most significant to 20th-century man is the true story of Uriel's incarnation as Mary of Bethany, the betrothed and 13th disciple of Jesus of Nazareth--a prior incarnation of Dr. Ernest L. Norman. This story is related in Uriel's short autobiography, My 2000-Year Psychic Memory as Mary of Bethany."

More at http://www.unarius.org/bio.html . A lot more.

How can I possibly take over the world when so many people have already jump started their own plans?

Please help Dallas school teachers

The Dallas Independent School District's Board of Trustees elected to give Dallas teachers a raise of 0%. This is in the wake of having to pay boardmember Ron Price's $10k cell phone bill. Price and the head of technology are currently under investigation for taking kickbacks from a Houston-based tech company that now has an exclusive contract with the district.

The priorities in our district are way out of whack. For example, in spite of the fact that there aren't enough textbooks (or teacher editions for that matter), there's a new track being built outside my portable classroom. Well, we teachers did get a raise. A zero percent raise. A zero percent cost of living raise. Because, you know, it's fairly cheap living an urban environment with the 7th largest school district in the nation.

I have just read and signed the online petition: "Asking the DISD Board to Reconsider its Policy of a 0% Pay Raise"hosted on the web by PetitionOnline.com, at: http://www.PetitionOnline.com/07122005/

I personally agree with what this petition says, and I think you might agree, too. If you can spare a moment, please take a look and consider signing yourself.

Call it shameless self-interest if you like, but DISD teachers haven't seen a pay raise in a couple of years.

Thank you for your prompt attention and consideration in this matter.

I Likes My Women Like I Likes My Coffee... Bitter

When I was a little kid growing up in Virginia, there was a chain of family-style restaurants called Sambo's. The first Sambo's hit the Peninsula when I was about 5 or 6. As a name, Sambo's lasted about two or three years. Whether it was bought out or sued into submission, Sambo's eventually changed its name to Denny's. Of the two names, I initially thought that Denny's was by far more lame, but I was a kid, reluctant to change by nature, blah blah blah. That was the 70's. I've since learned that the amusing children's book my grandmother read to me as an infant contained some objectionable themes, and that places of business should probably be sensitive to the public at large, especially in the South.

Is it just me? Am I living in some kind of Southern Apologist's haze here? Do I just feel the White Man's Burden more acutely than my peers?

I went to a Dairy Queen in McKinney, Texas, this evening with my bride, my child, my parents and my in-laws. I saw a prominantly displayed sign that made me wonder if the NAACP had yet to be notified.

Dairy Queen has introduced a new line of frosty coffee treat called the MooLatte. No shit, I am not making this up. Go here:

http://www.dairyqueen.com/en-US/Now+Featuring/DQHome.htm

Hey, DQ! There's no fucking way you can play that off as some other word. Good luck in litigation.

Wonder Woman's Golden Lasso Makes Me Tingle

When I was 5 years old, staring at Ms. Carter on the small screen of my parents' television set, I didn't actually understand the reason why I enjoyed the running scenes as much as I did. Suffice it to say I really enjoyed the running scenes. The jumping scenes were pretty good, but for my money, there was nothing better than Lynda Carter tearing around a corner and coming to a quick stop.

Of course in almost every episode that I can recall, Wonder Woman was knocked out cold by a thug with a rag soaked in chloroform. Then she was chained to something, usually explosive, and so there was always the obligatory shot of Ms. Carter with her arms bound above her head, eyes closed, red lips slightly parted....

My friends, Wonder Woman was specifically created to appeal to a five-year-old boy's latent bondage fetish. A Harvard-trained psychologist named Dr. William Moulton Marsten adopted the pseudonym "Charles Moulton" and wrote the intial comic series with bondage fantasies in mind. I refer you to the following website: http://www.uky.edu/Projects/Chemcomics/html/ww_21_cov.html

Amusingly enough, the fellow from the University of Kentucky who runs this site also has an interactive "Periodic Table of Comic Books." http://www.uky.edu/Projects/Chemcomics/index.html#table Select any square, and he will tell you which Golden Age issues mention that element as a plot device. Brilliant.

An American in New Delhi

So yesterday, I was stuck on the tech support line, trying to switch from Prodigy.Net to SBC Global. Not that big a deal, all things considered; SBC/Yahoo owns Prodigy, so it was like going from Pizza Hut to Pepsico. Anyway, I'm on the phone, humming "I Like to Move It, Move it" to myself (Madagascar = funny movie) when "Kate" comes on the line. Nice lady, "Kate," very helpful about the whole switching thing, but her accent sounded like she could have fit in nicely as the Queen of the Lemurs in the aforementioned movie.

Well, there was a limit to her field of expertise, so she very kindly transferred me to another fellow named "John" or something to that effect. He answered my question very politely, another very friendly employee at that place SBC. I hung up satisfied, my questions fulfilled, and then it hit me: he had an East Texas drawl!

Now, there are several possibilities here, and taking out Occam's shaving kit we find that most likely SBC Global just happens to employ a person of Central Asian descent at their technical support center. A more liberal interpretation would allow that, in the course of being outsourced, an American moved to New Delhi and currently answers phones there. However, not being one to pass up a good conspiracy theory, I offer the following: savvy Indian graduates are taking voice lessons in an effort to appease the prejudices of Americans who by and large prefer hearing a redneck answer their tech questions to a "furinner."

Have a nice day.

The Poseidon Adventure 2000 or Get Set to Get Wet!

Went to the movies and learned of a Poseidon Adventure remake in the works. Of course, this begs the question: Why can't Hollywood create any more?

Anyway, with UFOs on the brain I've learned of an all new reason to get PADI certified. The Mutual UFO Network, or MUFON, the group dedicated to the scientific study of UFOs for the benefit of Humanity, are getting up a Dive Team.

Check them out at http://www.mufon.com/ . I'm sure they'd love to have you aboard. Don't forget to download and fill out the .pdf liability waiver.

One Giant Step on Mankind.

So, it's been a while. Mea culpa. I've been logging some hard-core hours on the Xbox, utterly damaging my synapses as well as my posture. However, I have found the funniest game I've ever played: Destroy All Humans. Take every bad 50's sci-fi flick, add a dash of 21st century angst, and you're ready to anally probe some monkeys.

http://www.destroyallhumansgame.com/

I know, I know, "what about Duke Nukem?" When that game first hit the shelves, I realize that I proclaimed it the funniest game ever, but that was then. Don't make me quote Emerson's "Self Reliance." I believed it then as strongly as I now believe this one to be really, really funny. Showed it to my friend, Mike the Cop. He went out and bought it. It's that funny.

And quite entertaining. It took me almost a week to finish. I kept trying to find all of the probes. Still haven't found them. Must... avoid... urge... to... return....

Aw, heck, who am I kidding? I'm going back to the game in a few minutes.

Review: Revenge of the Sith

Apparently, my good friend and fellow Heathen didn't like the movie:

http://miscellaneousheathen.com/geek/050519sith-review.writeback

Then again, I don't really think he tried.

I liked this one. It was fun, it was simple, it was direct, it was blissfully spare of Lucas-love-dialogue. I will grant that Natalie Portman and Samuel Jackson offer performances that make Keanu Reeves look positively effervescent; I will further grant that, "Faster! More intense!" is not necessarily the best form of direction to offer an actor.

Go in to this movie expecting Flash Gordon. Go in to this one expecting Buck Rogers. Go in to this one expecting an amusement park full of visuals. A word of caution to send you on your way: know your Expanded Universe, or at least have a Fanboy handy to explain what happened in the Cartoon Network's "Clone Wars" series.

You don't always enjoy everything at the amusement park, but if you concentrate on the Cranky Biscuits and Grumblecakes, you won't enjoy anything.

I fucked ann coulter in the ass hard

Go here and read this now.

http://ifuckedanncoulterintheasshard.blogspot.com/

Klingons Aid South, Defeat Northern Aggression

This is comedy, folks. I only wish I'd thought it up first.

http://worstweatherever.blogspot.com/2005/04/northern-agitators-defeated.html

Heh... Worf.

Geeks Gone Wild!

Go here. View it. Work it. Love it.

http://www.ubergoobermovie.com/

Red River Battalion v. Red Shirts

The following piece was forwarded to me by a fellow Star Wars devotee:

http://www.ledger-enquirer.com/mld/ledgerenquirer/news/columnists/tim_chitwood/11281515.htm

Considering the problems I had with http://authentic-campaigner.com/ and my choice of screen names, this is a pretty amusing article.

"It turns out replica Civil War guns use real gunpowder, whereas 'Star Trek' phasers have only a battery-powered bulb that lights up," says Lessjo. "You don't go up against a guy with a firearm if all you've got is a flashlight."

Indeed.

Easter Joke!

What was the last thing that Jesus said to his disciples at the Last Supper?

"Okay, all of you who want to get in on the picture, get on this side of the table."

Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends

Okay, so it has been a while. Mea culpa.

By now you've heard about the latest shooting spree in Minnesota on Monday the 21st. Not to be outdone, my school just had to have another lockdown the very next day.

Tuesday the 22nd, during 5th period, the dean comes on to say that "the teachers' lounge has been closed for the remainder of the day." That's our code for, "the shit's going down and we're probably fucked." She went on: "Please close your doors and keep your students out of the halls. All teachers on their planning periods, please come to the main office now."

Have you ever noticed how bad you have to take a whiz when you can't take a whiz? No? How about telling a teen-aged girl with a bladder infection that she's got to sit there indefinitely: ever done that?

So a few minutes later, the dean comes back on the P.A., this time a little more frantically, "Please keep your students in your classrooms. Do not allow your students into the halls for any reason." We, the faculty, were actually doing okay keeping order until this point. Apparently, there was some idiot, a substitute, hard at rest earning his or her ninety-bucks-a-day, who let the students wander around with the hall pass. We eventually get a note from one of the hall-duty teachers that both our fair school and the junior high next door are both on lockdown, and the administration from both schools are patrolling the grounds looking for something.

The end of this story is something of a letdown. The administation at the junior high found a loaded pistol magazine (no word of the caliber) in a locker thanks to a tip. No gun, just the "clip." The whole ordeal was over in about 25 minutes. I'm glad it was nothing, don't get me wrong, but I think I'm becoming jaded. Not even the sounds of gunfire from the Mexican hood next to the school makes me jump anymore.